random thoughts

should've been posted last 03 mar 2006 2:35 p,m.


maybe i need someone who can go the journey with me when i'm experiencing the profound. it would be terribly disappointing to find that the person would just give you question marks in his eyes when you attempt to share the depths fathomed by your thoughts on your mental trip. it's like the person didn't even try to be with you. or maybe i'm just getting this all wrong.

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contrary to the previous, it seems my mind is on vacation these days. i just feel very happy-go-lucky lately that to sit on the mat and meditate doesn't sound very appealing. i don't feel like thinking at all. it's just slightly disturbing that while everyone around seems to be thinking deeply about their lives, i'm right here feeling impulsive and indulgent in whatever shallow delights i can get my hands on. and i'm broke at that. well, life does seem more delightful and enjoyable when you haven't a penny to your name. you learn to appreciate little things more. yesterday, margo and i scraped up what little we had to enjoy a small meal of chorizo and puso. we were able to buy 3 sets. we had one of each and split the last set between us. actually, mader's ten pesos afforded me this small treat. and then she bought a bottle of water for us aron dili mi matuk-an. it was a tiny thing, really, but i felt warm all over. being broke can be tough (walay pangpalit load, for example), but i'm beginning to see that it is in that state of living where you get to realize what things are really of value in life. and it's not money.

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i'm somewhat at a tangent in my life at the moment, and i will only feel bad about myself if i examine my life right now. it's not NOT facing reality, 'cause i like to think about myself to be a realistic person. maybe, well let's just say, that i do not yet have the angle from which to decide the direction that i would like my life to head towards. i want to have all the cake i can eat while it is offered ( i will not have my youth forever. i cannot play football as ably and as well as i possibly can now after i cross the thirtyysomething line. right now, i am at my prime). what it is though, is not thinking so prudently about one's future. but i don't want to have that, either. so i'm thinking of ways to remedy the damage i've inadvertently done to my job hiring prospects (deliberately generated F marks in the TOR doesn't make for an immediate hiring upon application).

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i've decided to submit to my parents' constant persuasion to take up SpEd. i vigorously resisted initially, but i decided to surrender to their wishes (and i thought i was about reaching absolute independence). there is this desire to redeem myself in their eyes, and i have a personal desire to make my school records a shining proof of excellence. i want to see how far and how well i can do academically; i have not been exercising the discipline that it takes to do that in my years in college. and for an extra, juicy little plus, i can still get to play football for the Unigames --hopefully.
i'm trying to rearrange my life right now to get what i want and to give to my parents what they want of me. i WILL do this. i've never laid such specific plans for my life before. i never really appreciated planning one's life; i like it spontaneous. but i will be really disappointed with myself if i allow me to deviate from the first real decisions i've made for my life.