the nomad universe
next time...
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
random thoughts
should've been posted last 03 mar 2006 2:35 p,m.
maybe i need someone who can go the journey with me when i'm experiencing the profound. it would be terribly disappointing to find that the person would just give you question marks in his eyes when you attempt to share the depths fathomed by your thoughts on your mental trip. it's like the person didn't even try to be with you. or maybe i'm just getting this all wrong.
................
contrary to the previous, it seems my mind is on vacation these days. i just feel very happy-go-lucky lately that to sit on the mat and meditate doesn't sound very appealing. i don't feel like thinking at all. it's just slightly disturbing that while everyone around seems to be thinking deeply about their lives, i'm right here feeling impulsive and indulgent in whatever shallow delights i can get my hands on. and i'm broke at that. well, life does seem more delightful and enjoyable when you haven't a penny to your name. you learn to appreciate little things more. yesterday, margo and i scraped up what little we had to enjoy a small meal of chorizo and puso. we were able to buy 3 sets. we had one of each and split the last set between us. actually, mader's ten pesos afforded me this small treat. and then she bought a bottle of water for us aron dili mi matuk-an. it was a tiny thing, really, but i felt warm all over. being broke can be tough (walay pangpalit load, for example), but i'm beginning to see that it is in that state of living where you get to realize what things are really of value in life. and it's not money.
.................
i'm somewhat at a tangent in my life at the moment, and i will only feel bad about myself if i examine my life right now. it's not NOT facing reality, 'cause i like to think about myself to be a realistic person. maybe, well let's just say, that i do not yet have the angle from which to decide the direction that i would like my life to head towards. i want to have all the cake i can eat while it is offered ( i will not have my youth forever. i cannot play football as ably and as well as i possibly can now after i cross the thirtyysomething line. right now, i am at my prime). what it is though, is not thinking so prudently about one's future. but i don't want to have that, either. so i'm thinking of ways to remedy the damage i've inadvertently done to my job hiring prospects (deliberately generated F marks in the TOR doesn't make for an immediate hiring upon application).
................
i've decided to submit to my parents' constant persuasion to take up SpEd. i vigorously resisted initially, but i decided to surrender to their wishes (and i thought i was about reaching absolute independence). there is this desire to redeem myself in their eyes, and i have a personal desire to make my school records a shining proof of excellence. i want to see how far and how well i can do academically; i have not been exercising the discipline that it takes to do that in my years in college. and for an extra, juicy little plus, i can still get to play football for the Unigames --hopefully.
i'm trying to rearrange my life right now to get what i want and to give to my parents what they want of me. i WILL do this. i've never laid such specific plans for my life before. i never really appreciated planning one's life; i like it spontaneous. but i will be really disappointed with myself if i allow me to deviate from the first real decisions i've made for my life.
maybe i need someone who can go the journey with me when i'm experiencing the profound. it would be terribly disappointing to find that the person would just give you question marks in his eyes when you attempt to share the depths fathomed by your thoughts on your mental trip. it's like the person didn't even try to be with you. or maybe i'm just getting this all wrong.
................
contrary to the previous, it seems my mind is on vacation these days. i just feel very happy-go-lucky lately that to sit on the mat and meditate doesn't sound very appealing. i don't feel like thinking at all. it's just slightly disturbing that while everyone around seems to be thinking deeply about their lives, i'm right here feeling impulsive and indulgent in whatever shallow delights i can get my hands on. and i'm broke at that. well, life does seem more delightful and enjoyable when you haven't a penny to your name. you learn to appreciate little things more. yesterday, margo and i scraped up what little we had to enjoy a small meal of chorizo and puso. we were able to buy 3 sets. we had one of each and split the last set between us. actually, mader's ten pesos afforded me this small treat. and then she bought a bottle of water for us aron dili mi matuk-an. it was a tiny thing, really, but i felt warm all over. being broke can be tough (walay pangpalit load, for example), but i'm beginning to see that it is in that state of living where you get to realize what things are really of value in life. and it's not money.
.................
i'm somewhat at a tangent in my life at the moment, and i will only feel bad about myself if i examine my life right now. it's not NOT facing reality, 'cause i like to think about myself to be a realistic person. maybe, well let's just say, that i do not yet have the angle from which to decide the direction that i would like my life to head towards. i want to have all the cake i can eat while it is offered ( i will not have my youth forever. i cannot play football as ably and as well as i possibly can now after i cross the thirtyysomething line. right now, i am at my prime). what it is though, is not thinking so prudently about one's future. but i don't want to have that, either. so i'm thinking of ways to remedy the damage i've inadvertently done to my job hiring prospects (deliberately generated F marks in the TOR doesn't make for an immediate hiring upon application).
................
i've decided to submit to my parents' constant persuasion to take up SpEd. i vigorously resisted initially, but i decided to surrender to their wishes (and i thought i was about reaching absolute independence). there is this desire to redeem myself in their eyes, and i have a personal desire to make my school records a shining proof of excellence. i want to see how far and how well i can do academically; i have not been exercising the discipline that it takes to do that in my years in college. and for an extra, juicy little plus, i can still get to play football for the Unigames --hopefully.
i'm trying to rearrange my life right now to get what i want and to give to my parents what they want of me. i WILL do this. i've never laid such specific plans for my life before. i never really appreciated planning one's life; i like it spontaneous. but i will be really disappointed with myself if i allow me to deviate from the first real decisions i've made for my life.
Friday, May 5, 2006
naked
i read an estranged friend's blog ('cause no matter what
happened, i still value the friendship i had with her and
if nothing else, she blogs quite well) and i got to
thinking about the personal changes i've gone
through over the years. she posted this song about a
miss independent who fell in love...or something like
that (it's at the end of this post). that friend was relating
to the song in her post, saying how it was so her at the
moment. i could sort of relate to the lyrics of that song
myself, since i once assumed that miss independent,
miss i-dont-need-anyone front, and still do most times.
we kind of agreed in that desire to be miss independent
for as long as it could be possibly embraced. as for myself,
there are only so many things and possibilities in life that i so
want to pursue and explore, to see where i would be led to, to
find out to what places i can go. i am so in love with writing
and i feel so the same about europe. i want to take up what
writing courses there are in UP. and it has to be UP. the
european culture in my eyes is so very attractive, not to mention
the breathless excitement in seeing the places and relics of its
rich history. there are so many things i want to learn about so
many things. i am drawn towards so many interests and i want
to pursue them all. and in fulfilling them, i've always pictured
me being on my own, being the miss independent that i was talking about.
BUT (kay naa man gyuy apan ang tanan)... would you forego
everything, EVERYTHING... everything else you hold dear for
that SOMEONE you hold dear in your heart? because, whatever
compromises you may come up with, there will always loom the fact
that you'll have to go away at some point to pursue your dreams
and leave that person behind. because it cannot always be that
the person can always be with you. after all, that person has his/her
own dreams to want to go after. it is a guillotine over your head,
maybe not to end your life, but to forever alter everything in it.
yeah, it sounds rather washed out, i know. but well, it's kind of
like football. it's a different world when you're just on the side lines
watching and when you're actually on the pitch playing the game.
it's not the same when you're just talking about love while not
actually being in love. i think i do love this guy that i've been with
since adtong wala pa mi mga buot. and i think he loves me back.
and i know that him and my dreams were long ago placed in paths forked
away from each other. the catch is quite obvious. choose one, leave one
behind. no hitting two or more birds with one stone. the soul yearns for the
fulfillment both of dreams and love. i certainly would like to pursue my dreams.
and i certainly dream about seeing the world and being wisened in many things
about it. but i would like to share them with someone. but from the many
someones i can choose from to share them with, it all boils down to this one
person. dreams are less meaningful when you are not with the ONE. i can dump
miss self-sufficient, miss keep-your-distance in the basket for this one person.
there is fear hidden in that statement somewhere, but the courage outsizes it.
the walls have long ago been cracked and torn down. defenses are at a bare
minimum. i'm naked! love has stripped me down. and here's the final blow that
might otherwise raise the alarm in someone else's ears: maybe, maybe, i just
might give up my dreams if it all means being with this one person.
Miss Independent
(errr, sometimes, depends on something that can only be satisfactorily
explained by people in the know with computers, the clip i embedded
in the previous post does not show up....grrrr! anyway, just letting
whoever's concerned know. :))
happened, i still value the friendship i had with her and
if nothing else, she blogs quite well) and i got to
thinking about the personal changes i've gone
through over the years. she posted this song about a
miss independent who fell in love...or something like
that (it's at the end of this post). that friend was relating
to the song in her post, saying how it was so her at the
moment. i could sort of relate to the lyrics of that song
myself, since i once assumed that miss independent,
miss i-dont-need-anyone front, and still do most times.
we kind of agreed in that desire to be miss independent
for as long as it could be possibly embraced. as for myself,
there are only so many things and possibilities in life that i so
want to pursue and explore, to see where i would be led to, to
find out to what places i can go. i am so in love with writing
and i feel so the same about europe. i want to take up what
writing courses there are in UP. and it has to be UP. the
european culture in my eyes is so very attractive, not to mention
the breathless excitement in seeing the places and relics of its
rich history. there are so many things i want to learn about so
many things. i am drawn towards so many interests and i want
to pursue them all. and in fulfilling them, i've always pictured
me being on my own, being the miss independent that i was talking about.
BUT (kay naa man gyuy apan ang tanan)... would you forego
everything, EVERYTHING... everything else you hold dear for
that SOMEONE you hold dear in your heart? because, whatever
compromises you may come up with, there will always loom the fact
that you'll have to go away at some point to pursue your dreams
and leave that person behind. because it cannot always be that
the person can always be with you. after all, that person has his/her
own dreams to want to go after. it is a guillotine over your head,
maybe not to end your life, but to forever alter everything in it.
yeah, it sounds rather washed out, i know. but well, it's kind of
like football. it's a different world when you're just on the side lines
watching and when you're actually on the pitch playing the game.
it's not the same when you're just talking about love while not
actually being in love. i think i do love this guy that i've been with
since adtong wala pa mi mga buot. and i think he loves me back.
and i know that him and my dreams were long ago placed in paths forked
away from each other. the catch is quite obvious. choose one, leave one
behind. no hitting two or more birds with one stone. the soul yearns for the
fulfillment both of dreams and love. i certainly would like to pursue my dreams.
and i certainly dream about seeing the world and being wisened in many things
about it. but i would like to share them with someone. but from the many
someones i can choose from to share them with, it all boils down to this one
person. dreams are less meaningful when you are not with the ONE. i can dump
miss self-sufficient, miss keep-your-distance in the basket for this one person.
there is fear hidden in that statement somewhere, but the courage outsizes it.
the walls have long ago been cracked and torn down. defenses are at a bare
minimum. i'm naked! love has stripped me down. and here's the final blow that
might otherwise raise the alarm in someone else's ears: maybe, maybe, i just
might give up my dreams if it all means being with this one person.
Miss Independent
Miss independent
Miss self-sufficient
Miss keep your distance, mmmm
Miss unafraid
Miss out of my way
Miss don't let a man interfere, no
Miss on her own
Miss almost grown
Miss never let a man help her off her throne
So, by keeping her heart protected
She'll never, ever feel rejected
Little miss apprehensive
Said ooh, she fell in love
(Chorus)
What is this feeling taking over?
Thinking no one could open the door
Surprise, it's time, to feel what's real
What happened to miss independent's no longer need to be defensive?
Goodbye, old you, when love, is true
(Verse 2)
Misguided heart
Miss play it smart
Miss if you wanna use that line, you better not start, no
But she miscalculated
She didn't wanna end up jaded
And this miss decided not to miss out on true love
So, by changing a misconception
She went in a new direction
And found inside, she felt a connection
She fell in love
(Chorus)
What is this feeling taking over?
Thinking no one could open the door
Surprise, it's time, to feel what's real
What happened to miss independent's no longer need to be defensive?
Goodbye, old you, when love, is true (when love, is true)
(Bridge)
When miss independent walked away
No time for love that came her way
She looked in the mirror and thought today
What happened to miss no longer afraid?
It took some time for her to see
How beautiful love could truly be
No more talk of why can't that be me
I'm so glad I've finally seen
(Chorus)
What is this feeling taking over?
Thinking no one could open the door
Surprise, it's time, to feel what's real
What happened to miss independent's no longer need to be defensive?
Goodbye, old you, when love, is true (when love, is true)
(errr, sometimes, depends on something that can only be satisfactorily
explained by people in the know with computers, the clip i embedded
in the previous post does not show up....grrrr! anyway, just letting
whoever's concerned know. :))
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