dreamy animation

love at first sight. there couldn't be any other fitter description.
that's how i felt when i first watched hayao miyazaki's howl's moving castle.
and i'm still feeling the tingles. kilig man gud. hehehe. i feel high,
like i'm on cloud 9. 7th heaven ba kaha. never mind you that
i'm being a bit emotional. the movie is just beautiful. B-E-A-Utiful!
byoteeehhhfooool. Watch it.

gwapo si howl!



another of miyazaki's animations is spirited away, which i also love.
yes, it's also love. one of my most prized possessions. byoteeehhfoooool!!!!

the mexican/eating words

(after believing in the script for a time, it was just a
motion picture made to make money after all. gahd, i could
be so gullible...)

one should really be careful of one's words for one
might eat them one day.

and i'm almost full of words i have so mindlessly
strewn around in here.

something's changed. ambot ba unsa. ambot again
if it can be fixed. it's not the same.

and i wonder now if my own feelings were merely
deceiving me all this time. are feelings really deceptive?
or do you just think that because you can never really
think when all you wanted to do was feel? or are you the
one deceiving yourself believing that all what you're
feeling is true, mutual?

why just couldn't feelings be allowed to prevail? or why
couldn't loving be rational so that you won't have to wake
up the next day feeling so embarrassed for exposing yourself?
or even if you don't feel that way at all, at least the other won't.

is that how love really is after all? being in pain? 'cause no matter
how one tries to be happy with that person, something always
comes up to bust your bubble. may it be reluctance to share oneself,
or the looming possibility of a one-way street. and it would be shitty
to be in that situation, one is inclined to think. if this is how love is
like, if this is how it feels like, then i envy those who aren't loving.

i'm tired of being the only one who seems to care about this all the
time. sumo!

and even if that stupid movie said that there is no giving up,
that there is no saying i've had enough in love, i'm about to. i want to.
'cause maybe i was wrong in saying what this really is. and that's why
i'm eating words i'm not even hungry for.

crab

[would someone please kill the music! i'm sick of mymp blasting in
my ears. it's not enough to have the voice. you've also got to have
the talent for writing songs you can call your own. it's just a pity in
my book to become famous from singing other people's songs just
because of a syrupy voice. it also becomes VERY irritating after a
while. to mymp fans, tough luck. i'm feeling unapologetic right now.]

today, i'm looking through rose-colored glasses. i'm so pissed off,
i'm seeing RED. i'm fed up. just fed up. with everything, everyone.
what is so alluring about vanity that people go through pains
obliging it every day? EVERY day. they forsake friends, family, boyfriends,
girlfriends just to be thought as someone GRAND. gahd. i bet vanity
is at work behind the world's problems. vain people are selfish, too.
i see them the moment i step out of my room, when i step into school,
and most especially whenever i get to go to the malls. anywhere.
everywhere. it's overwhelming. and today i'm full up with all this bull's
crap.


call me crabby and cross. yeah, and you're self-absorbed.

somewhere in between

i can look beyond, and i can look behind. but i can barely bear to look
at what is in front of me, what's right in my face.

i am currently doing a thesis, i did mention before. and still, i am
afraid that i might not be able to pull it off. there are just so many
worries that pop into my head every time i try to write... they tell me to
look closer and be cautious with every step because i might make a
wrong move and sentence the tiny beginnings of my thesis to oblivion.

to make things shorter, i am afraid to mess up and not graduate.

i need someone's help. someone who's been here before.

all i can see is what could be life after college. or what it has been before.
i cannot visualize how to work through my situation.

and there are only so many distractions that can divide your focus.
but i guess, what i have to do is picture how i'm going to get through this rut
to actually get out of it.

stating it is so simple. easier said than done. and that's what i hate.


i don't feel any relieved at all at having said this. haaaaaaay...

unloading

this is my favorite text color and my preferred font. (wala lang.)


i've read certain things today, which gave me cascades of thoughts
to unfold in my already cramped mind. but let me try...

blogs have become quite rampant (well, in my limited experience)
ever since friendster started hosting free blogs for its members. and
just for now, i can thank them for doing so 'cause i got to read some
people's thoughts. some people i know.

i very recently read this post from an estranged friend. i kind of know
what she was talking about, because...i just do. never mind you why.
i don't want to dwell too much on the details. it's sort of classified
information, after all, in a way. it's nothing big. there's just nowhere
else to unload this information to without having to make a big deal
out of it. even people you think you can say everything to can sometimes
not afford to give a listening and attentive ear.

anyway, i just know what she was talking about and i want to say
something about it --but what? they say never give advice unless it's
solicited or it's alife-and-death situation. i want to say something 'cause
i know she's in a confusing place, and i don't want her to keep hearing
only one point of view...'cause that's what's happening. i also want her
to decide for herself, and not only absorb what the people around her
think; i strongly suspect that that's the case. but well....here i am. this is
like a letter for no one. and it probablywill be.

and there's this good friend's blog that i also just skimmed......she's a
very busy person, and with truly a lot of things going for her. some part
of me envies her, for the way things are going in her life and for the
manner that she handles it all. she knows how to do it. that's just about
how i can articulate it. in many ways, she manages her life better than
mine. but i might probably envy her most for the way she deals with
people and takes care of her friends. i get scared and excited until my
emotions get the best of me. but she takes it all in stride. calmly, smoothly.
hmm. whenEVER can i be master of my emotions..
****

on a totally different note, i must lessen using my time on the internet
for leisure. i can always, always update my pages later. but i only have one (1)
year to finally get my thesis right and consequently, my graduation much more
tangible. and already, the clock has begun ticking away. i must learn to focus
on the more important matters at hand. these are trying times once more, and
i must not falter. there's only one path to follow for me now, and that's to march
down the graduation aisle. this is for my mom who's highly expecting it and keeping
her hopes up still; for my dad who's patiently working his butt off to see our
graduations and our expenses through at the same time; and for me, who's been
presented once more with this challenge and is wanting to be on top of it in the end.

i cannot fail.

cinderella song

i'll probably embarrass myself with what i'm about to write.
my only justification is, it's just too wonderful to hide.



i can right now say, with my head high, bashful but unashamed,
that i'm in love. probably not the over-the-fence, world-series
kind of thing --better. 'cause it isn't the kilig stuff that's causing
all these pretty flutters in my middle. this is...different.
spectacularly different.

it's peaceful. full, but not feeling the weight. it's just there,
infinitely between the stomach and the chest...

he may not be physically with me, but i really don't need
him around to feel this way. nevertheless, it's with him that
i most feel home.

i start regretting the past less, but also feel disinclined to see the future more. i just
want to live and cherish one day at a time. and that's only because i never want it to end.

and everyone seems to be rightfully where they are, and it seems
hard to hate anyone, and it becomes easier to be content. if people
felt this way more often, the world could be a much better place.

what would have seemed too ideal to be possible, is now very tangible.

no, it's not perfect. it doesn't have to be.


uow,i<3u.

reposts

"balance. :("

[reposted from friendster bulletin]
a scribble from emma. i always enjoy reading her pieces.


i am a walking contradiction... the surface and the content not meeting, not matching...never agreeing with each other. how many times has this happened? how many bruises have i nurtured? how many stinging emotions have i rationalized?there are days when id give my unique little pinky up in return for a clearer disposition...one that conforms with the rest of humanity...one which the world can recognize and praise any given day. but the kind of sicko i am, despite the inevitable weakness in some aspects of my demeanor, overpowers the kind of sane person i should be. some say saner means stronger. but i am strong in an entirely different way. and it has proved me for the past twenty years of my existence, that when life feels like turning the tables and twisting one's faith, one's strengths can be one's weakness...and vice versa.and whether you falter and fall, or fly and soar...scars of all sorts, of all depths, of all intensity, always show up.how ironic is irony? that i should love and hate and hate and love all at the same time.. how painful should pain be? that two and a half years is not enough for itty-bitty scratches in my heart to heal, and rising like a phoenix being reborn from the ashes is mediocre before the gods.how unfair should injustice be? that i should carry the burden of loving someone forever..and miss the convenience of moving on.i laugh to cover up the cries of my bossom, bellowing with uncertainty and confusion. i snicker and roll my eyes, so no one sees how disgusted and disgruntled i am with myself. i pretend i dont care, so no one knows that in the deepest niches and folds of my youth and my naivete...i still do...i still do.when it comes to silly things like love and life, experience never makes anyone an expert..it only makes one more prone and more accepting to reality. so i shrug at these silly things, close my eyes, take a deep, deep breath, and engrave what i know......that today i am a walking contradiction... and i need to stumble some more... just to find balance. =/


"the sunny side of the street"

[reposted from kring ]
i can sort of relate to sentence #5...basta...

More and more people these days tend to forget the very reason they exist. They become more android-like than human, and it's really sad. I know how sad that feels, considering that i have been through a pre-programmed state--following routine and stuff like that.
I guess there are a few blessed souls who wake up every morning singing in their heads songs of summer (to the tune of "i'm walking on sunshine", maybe?). On the other hand, there are those who cook up in their heads pathetic excuses just to stay in bed (LBM, a flat tire, migraine... the list goes on, depending on your status).
But like everything else in existence, routine is as transient as the word "temporary" could get! (geez, take it from the adage "temporary insanity")...
hmmm...writer's block... excuse me for a while......it may be a little longer than that...

according to them... (edit)

You Belong in London A little old fashioned, and a little modern. A little traditional, and a little bit punk rock. A unique woman like you needs a city that offers everything. No wonder you and London will get along so well. What City Do You Belong in? Take This Quiz :-) Find the Love of Your Life (and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance.

there was supposed to be a bit more stuff than this, but when i viewed this again, i got embarrassed of what i posted. so everything else was scrapped. and so, wysiwyg. actually, the above is the most interesting discovery i've had when i took those quizzes. i've long dreamed of setting foot in europe (where to first is inconsequential, but i must visit the entire continent), and imagine how elated i was to find that i belong in london. a sign of my destiny, maybe? well, here's hoping.

(the quiz was just probably designed to entertain, but what the heck. i'll try my luck with most anything for europe!)

to my avid detractors (more biting edit)

i don't exactly know what you're so pissed at me for,
maybe because you're too chicken sh1t to come into
the open, lest you find yourself on the erroneous side
of the issue, perhaps?

however, thank you for so freely expressing how you feel
about me by leaving your hate comments on my blog. i
appreciate your taking the time to type in my blog address
on your browser and post away, though i'm sorry to say
that i have to mostly delete them, because, well,they're
not exactly very pleasant to encounter time and again.
i'm sure you'd feel the same if you were in my aggrieved
little shoes. but i will try my hardest to stifle the resentment
i feel on my part and keep your undesirable and unsolicited
comments.

for all the inapt, unfitting, inapplicable and ill-chosen
obscenities that you hurl against me, i do still wish to
learn who you are and even eager to meet you in person.
i would want to settle this unfortunate matter, whatever
it may be, so that i may learn how i've wronged you if i
ever factually did. i would want to learn what it is that
causes you to curse me as much as you do.

in the meantime, you may have to wallow and remain there
in that frightful hole you must be hiding in right now, suffocating
in the anger that you're harboring. i would hate
for anyone to suffer because of me, but i would more hate myself to
suffer because of you, you who hide behind the convenience
of anonymity.

before i end this, i do hope that you realize that i am talking to
you, and that i'm actually doing this to end these feelings
of enmity that you feel for me and those that i'm likewise beginning
to feel for you. (that's a lot of hoping there). otherwise it's
hopeless. and unluckily, you will just continue launching this aimless
campaign in the futile hope of denigrating me. yes, it is aimless and
futile, much as i might wish for your success. well? are you brave
enough to "unmask yourself"?

a profound moment in my autism

when i view my friends' pages (friendster, what else?),
i can't help but think about being soooo, waaaay behind in a
lot of things. i'm this close to being envious of people i know
who've had the greatest privilege of being immersed in a hub
of information and intellectual stimulation. they know where
to go, what to find, where to consult, WHAT or WHO to consult.
i'm especially talking about UP. UP, in my belief (i'd be mightily
glad if someone proves this is but an irrational state of mind.
better yet, if i can go there myself), is the heart of it all, the pod
of everything you know you'd appreciate knowing. and in case
how i'm feeling is still vague to you, i'm bordering on tearing
my hair out with this feeling of colossal helplessness.
yes, everything is described with "big" today. that's how i'm
particularly feeling. why else would someone feel like bursting
if she can contain it all?

it's just that i want to know everything. EVERYTHING. is that
too much to ask? to look at the world and understand and fathom
what may be abstract and incomprehensible to everyone else,
wouldn't that be something?

a lot of things keep me from doing so. my priorities, for one.
being immersed in them takes off my focus from the big picture
that i would have liked to create for myself, from the accomplishments
that i would like to have under my belt.

then there's laziness and those inhibiting feelings of desperation
-if not depression. i considerably weaken in my determination
to do something when my feelings are in disarray. doesn't anyone's?
of course, you can't possibly be limited in your movements if you're
loaded to the rim. money makes a great many things within one's
reach. if you don't have the dough, well, too bad.

and did you know, the opportunity was in my hands. in these hands
that now document words of regret did hold the key to completely
different and many times broader horizons. but i was too naive
and young then to see my loss. i let it go. and now, it's 4 years too
late.

yes, one would philosophize that even if one door closes, a lot of
windows may be gaping open. and i guess, it is my fault in a way
that i'm behind. the diligence and initiative to pursue the things
that i would like to master rested on me, still rests on me. maybe
i never put that diligence and initiative to much good use. and
so here i am, drenched in my misery.

looking at my life now, i find i still have the years ahead of me
to pursue these things, granting God grants me a long enough life.
however, with the way things stand, nothing is quite that simple.
there are a lot of aspects and dimensions to consider. and once more,
the possibility of losing sight of my tall aspirations hovers ever so
tangibly. in the end, what my life becomes and where it ultimately
heads rests on the decision on which to give ultimate priority in
shaping my life. and again, that decision rests on me.

insomniac

as they drift to sleep,
I rise from the holds of slumber...
their lights switch off;
my midnight candle starts to burn.
while in the day I'm lifeless,
during the night, I endure indefinitely.
my strength prolongs with ripening eventide
surpassing the day walkers.
their consciousness wanes but waxes mine,
in perfectly timed alternation,
as I remain to do my share of contemplation
--life's bestsellers.
mentally unique...
I thrive under a canopy of stars.


i wrote this poem sometime back last year, while i was in marikina.
it is a tribute to my nightly habit that i don't think i'll ever get to
shake myself of. i found it gathering virtual dust in my deviantart account.
hehe..... it's not a very good piece. but that's okay.

depressed.







there's supposed to be a lot more stuff between the first line and this, but....
it gets rather scary in this part of my brain, where i get psychological bout me.



so there's just a big gaping space instead to censor the easily creeped out. hehehe.


but this i will say: i don't even feel anything like a million sentimos right now.......
and so, a million-dollar-baby feeling is an illusion in this twisted, confusing current state of mind.

fuming

i'm probably speaking for myself, but i'm somewhat infinitely irritated with people who imply something else about something you present to them. it's like, haha! i know why you're doing this! and more often than not, it turns out, they don't really know.
presumptions, presumptions.
and in this particular case i'm talking about, i don't know, he sounds somewhat...bitter towards me. and when i ask myself why, a dozen reasons are enumerated in my head. but i am speculating. i shouldn't be giving so much weight on haka-haka, because i realize that then i would be assuming truths -like him. and that's the last thing i want right now, to have anything in common with him. i don't hate him, but i presently dislike to be in his company.

[m]

i don't know...
no.
must...not...


i can't.


tsk. tsk.

heyst!

[link]

:'(

and i would be glad and feel content every time we talk.
i would have preferred that most things would be back as they were.
but it is non-negotiable as it seems, and i do not have the strength
that it takes to make me feel really all right.

i still prefer her to be part of my life, but she would not see that.
i will not let her.

mindset

doing something you don't feel like doing requires a conditioning
of the mind --a mindset. ceaseless talking and complaining will
only get you nowhere faster. and you'll accomplish little if any.

hahay. ambot na lang gyud...

if

if i survive tonight,
will i be grateful for tomorrow?

that thing called...

it's like the wind...sometimes it goes your way..

it conquers all, but is a mystery...

it breaks your heart, it takes no less than everything...

makes it hard, and fades away so easily...

but it breaks the chains...

it takes the tears and the pain and turns it into the beauty that remains...

lalalalala...

i'm not sure if it falls from sky above, or if it's underneath a willow tree...

but he just might be standing right next to me. =)

malas sa paghinigalaay

ambot ba. pero inani gyud siguro.. makahuna huna pud ta sa atong lesson
sa philo ani ngets...

is this the hand of fate or my own doing?

beh...

the first case was probably my fault in a way. i should have been more...
communicative of my thoughts and opinions.. and i should have shown her
that our friendship did mean something to me.

about the second...
it was probably a bad case of coincidence and of one thing leading to another.
i hate the fact that it happened to me, but i will not apologize for something
i just did not do. .. and this is the time i can tolerate people being angry at me.
i am sorry, but i am innocent. better if you realize it soon.

growing up

entry in journal, dated 10.17.04


i can say that i'm growing old. old in the sense that i no longer indulge in things
that i used to like doing. i set them aside, telling myself to do them later. and i
never did. i could still remember junctures when i used to wish for something to do
while away the excess time on my hands. now, i often wish for more time on my
hands. that's growing old. i'm forgetting my dreams. i'm becoming deaf to my
heart. it's telling me to slow down and listen. but my mind has always, always
dominated, telling me i don't have the time or energy. i'm old. i want to go back,
but i can't find my way. a lot of things used to mean something to me. now they
just seem ordinary... i'm losing the idealism of adolescence. they say that it's
better that way. but my dreams, my imagination, my creativity? they are a part of
me! i'm burying an extension of myself! i'm burying my youth... somehow, i envy
those who still bring with them their childhood. their inner child lives. and it is
the inner child that gives the power to create and attempt what the old do not, cannot,
will not understand. if i lose my inner child, i lose my source of magic. i would become
dry and cynical and mundane. i would become narrow-minded, closed to change and
innovation. how limited that life would be! the world is a vast expanse of possibilities..
there are gazillions of things that i have yet to discover and learn. i need to be a child to
do that. I CANNOT LOSE THE CHILD IN ME! i mustn't grow old. i must NOT grow old...