growing up

entry in journal, dated 10.17.04


i can say that i'm growing old. old in the sense that i no longer indulge in things
that i used to like doing. i set them aside, telling myself to do them later. and i
never did. i could still remember junctures when i used to wish for something to do
while away the excess time on my hands. now, i often wish for more time on my
hands. that's growing old. i'm forgetting my dreams. i'm becoming deaf to my
heart. it's telling me to slow down and listen. but my mind has always, always
dominated, telling me i don't have the time or energy. i'm old. i want to go back,
but i can't find my way. a lot of things used to mean something to me. now they
just seem ordinary... i'm losing the idealism of adolescence. they say that it's
better that way. but my dreams, my imagination, my creativity? they are a part of
me! i'm burying an extension of myself! i'm burying my youth... somehow, i envy
those who still bring with them their childhood. their inner child lives. and it is
the inner child that gives the power to create and attempt what the old do not, cannot,
will not understand. if i lose my inner child, i lose my source of magic. i would become
dry and cynical and mundane. i would become narrow-minded, closed to change and
innovation. how limited that life would be! the world is a vast expanse of possibilities..
there are gazillions of things that i have yet to discover and learn. i need to be a child to
do that. I CANNOT LOSE THE CHILD IN ME! i mustn't grow old. i must NOT grow old...