hmm...defensive.....
anyway...
dated 5 sept 04
Still got two chapters up, but I can't focus my brain anywhere near them or the one I've started with on my lap right here.
It's like it's easier to contemplate on my nonexistent love life and what could be...Things are easier when still in the mind.
Reaility is so harsh, crude, unforgiving...sometimes. You know how I imagine M****** and I would be like? We'd really
like each other. We'd always be together, practically inseperable. And we'd enjoy each other's company. I'd make him laugh
and smile. He'll put the twinkle in mye eyes and the smile on my lips would be for him, because of him. We would forget
our friends while we're together, but that wouldn't sound so bad to us, like how it might in a different circumstance. The
world would seem new and unexplored, because he's here...because I'm in his life...And I....I would see only him. I would
be affectionate like I never usually am. He would think of only me and when he'll see me again. "How wonderful life is, now
you're in the world...."
Wishing and hoping and praying...how does that song go again?
****
dated 28 oct 04
No! You cannot keep hoping that there's going to be an "us". There isn't going to be an "us" while I'm master of my ship. I am
going to resist that idea --rage against it, if need be. It isn't preposterous nor impossible. In another situation, it might happen.
But not in this case. Highly an improbable situation it is, so let us stop all the attempts and the silent persuasions going on. They
only irritate and alienate,cause discomfort....I mean, what makes you believe in that remote chance that you continue this hopeless
campaign? Can you not read the signs? Can you not understand the situation? Or perhaps did I overestimate your capabilities that
you fell short of...expectations...? Perhaps you're not really as perceptive or as quick as I thought? Do I really overestimate people?
'Cause if I do, the blame falls on me....I don't even understand what I'm saying...! Basta, point is, the door is closed. The woman
isn't entertaining annoying visitors....Her heart isn't up for auction to people she considers her friends! So, shoo. Skedaddle.
GO. AWAY! ....Can't. CANNOT.
this wasn't really very well written, but i'm posting it, hoping to put the message across.
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