nawala na sad sa passing ang bata. wala lang. i'm just out of tune with the world again.
it happens everynow and then. nawala sa rhythm.

sometimes you just don't want to go along with the turning of the world. sometimes you'd
rather stay in your own world for a while. no prying eyes. no pressures. just you, you, you.
you could exhaust all the reading things piling up in your room, for one. how do you do
that, getting away from everything?

(x_x)

hahay...cannot set my preferred format nasad kay some program's missing from this computer terminal...

anyway.


i don't know how this goes for everyone else, but i just feel
frustrated [and then angry, my most well-displayed emotion]
when i don't know what i've done to make a person turn cold
to me. 'cause honestly, i did not know what i did this time!
okay, i may not be the kindest person one could encounter in
his/her lifetime. i tend to be very aloof (and i could add that
to my profile if it makes YOU happy). but i'm also not that
imprudent or tactless to hurt people. god, it's one of the things
i've been teaching myself for years to refrain from doing. even
if it's been running against the grain, i've learned to do my
best to restrain myself --and still learning to do it much better. if only YOU knew how much effort could be put into that. but
i guess YOU still don't know me well enough. heck, no one does.
who am i kidding? and who are YOU kidding? the more YOU avoid
me,the more YOU continue to hurt yourself. and i wish YOU'd
tell me what it is i did.

wehehe...don't read!

these're just excerpts from the pages of my journal... eh i like the way i wrote them, so what's it to anyone else?!

hmm...defensive.....

anyway...


dated 5 sept 04

Still got two chapters up, but I can't focus my brain anywhere near them or the one I've started with on my lap right here.

It's like it's easier to contemplate on my nonexistent love life and what could be...Things are easier when still in the mind.

Reaility is so harsh, crude, unforgiving...sometimes. You know how I imagine M****** and I would be like? We'd really

like each other. We'd always be together, practically inseperable. And we'd enjoy each other's company. I'd make him laugh

and smile. He'll put the twinkle in mye eyes and the smile on my lips would be for him, because of him. We would forget

our friends while we're together, but that wouldn't sound so bad to us, like how it might in a different circumstance. The

world would seem new and unexplored, because he's here...because I'm in his life...And I....I would see only him. I would

be affectionate like I never usually am. He would think of only me and when he'll see me again. "How wonderful life is, now

you're in the world...."

Wishing and hoping and praying...how does that song go again?

****

dated 28 oct 04

No! You cannot keep hoping that there's going to be an "us". There isn't going to be an "us" while I'm master of my ship. I am

going to resist that idea --rage against it, if need be. It isn't preposterous nor impossible. In another situation, it might happen.

But not in this case. Highly an improbable situation it is, so let us stop all the attempts and the silent persuasions going on. They

only irritate and alienate,cause discomfort....I mean, what makes you believe in that remote chance that you continue this hopeless

campaign? Can you not read the signs? Can you not understand the situation? Or perhaps did I overestimate your capabilities that

you fell short of...expectations...? Perhaps you're not really as perceptive or as quick as I thought? Do I really overestimate people?

'Cause if I do, the blame falls on me....I don't even understand what I'm saying...! Basta, point is, the door is closed. The woman

isn't entertaining annoying visitors....Her heart isn't up for auction to people she considers her friends! So, shoo. Skedaddle.

GO. AWAY! ....Can't. CANNOT.

this wasn't really very well written, but i'm posting it, hoping to put the message across.

random thoughts

i think i may be going to fulfill what my father had once envisioned for me...

i think i may finally want to be a lawyer...

i realize, i'm beginning to seriously like politics-related subjects..
it's like i want to stuff my brain with everything
there is to know.
i want to understand the works...i want to understand government...
i want to know the laws...
'cause, if i learn all these things, i might figure out how to end this bull of a democracy...
and then help the oppressed perhaps...

if i do decide on law school, i better be that damn good...

for the meantime, i'll try to ace pol sci w/ the instruction of pacamalan as a challenge..
bwezet na maestro! booger kaayo..

xoxo



there's this intellectual one that i'll forever adore for his beautiful eyes and total dedication to his cause.
there's another whom i'll always fall for, for his intelligence, creativity, wit and soulful eyes...forever, it seems...
then there's this one with a really sharp mind, a spine-tingling voice, and eyes that crinkle and twinkle when he smiles...
but of course, there's the one whom the gods seemed to have fated me to, 'cause even without the eyes, soft heart, wit and all that (jazz),
he still gets to open the door..


i cant escape... theyre in the four corners of my little world...

LOL! what the --!


xoxo


did you know that showing interest & appreciation to a person is not at all a bad thing? amaw ka man.
you're so, so, so.....serious. :-
lighten up.

looking out the window

[i forgot which font i used in my first blog...]

*trying things out on the formatting tool bar, hehehe*

i was just wondering...

how do you tell a person that there can't be anything more between you than friendship? 'cause im sort of in those shoes right now...
am i sending the wrong signals? i dont think so...
or maybe he is blinded by emotion... he tends to be somewhat emotional around.. around me. he isn't normally.

i wish he'd stay normal!