a profound moment in my autism

when i view my friends' pages (friendster, what else?),
i can't help but think about being soooo, waaaay behind in a
lot of things. i'm this close to being envious of people i know
who've had the greatest privilege of being immersed in a hub
of information and intellectual stimulation. they know where
to go, what to find, where to consult, WHAT or WHO to consult.
i'm especially talking about UP. UP, in my belief (i'd be mightily
glad if someone proves this is but an irrational state of mind.
better yet, if i can go there myself), is the heart of it all, the pod
of everything you know you'd appreciate knowing. and in case
how i'm feeling is still vague to you, i'm bordering on tearing
my hair out with this feeling of colossal helplessness.
yes, everything is described with "big" today. that's how i'm
particularly feeling. why else would someone feel like bursting
if she can contain it all?

it's just that i want to know everything. EVERYTHING. is that
too much to ask? to look at the world and understand and fathom
what may be abstract and incomprehensible to everyone else,
wouldn't that be something?

a lot of things keep me from doing so. my priorities, for one.
being immersed in them takes off my focus from the big picture
that i would have liked to create for myself, from the accomplishments
that i would like to have under my belt.

then there's laziness and those inhibiting feelings of desperation
-if not depression. i considerably weaken in my determination
to do something when my feelings are in disarray. doesn't anyone's?
of course, you can't possibly be limited in your movements if you're
loaded to the rim. money makes a great many things within one's
reach. if you don't have the dough, well, too bad.

and did you know, the opportunity was in my hands. in these hands
that now document words of regret did hold the key to completely
different and many times broader horizons. but i was too naive
and young then to see my loss. i let it go. and now, it's 4 years too
late.

yes, one would philosophize that even if one door closes, a lot of
windows may be gaping open. and i guess, it is my fault in a way
that i'm behind. the diligence and initiative to pursue the things
that i would like to master rested on me, still rests on me. maybe
i never put that diligence and initiative to much good use. and
so here i am, drenched in my misery.

looking at my life now, i find i still have the years ahead of me
to pursue these things, granting God grants me a long enough life.
however, with the way things stand, nothing is quite that simple.
there are a lot of aspects and dimensions to consider. and once more,
the possibility of losing sight of my tall aspirations hovers ever so
tangibly. in the end, what my life becomes and where it ultimately
heads rests on the decision on which to give ultimate priority in
shaping my life. and again, that decision rests on me.

insomniac

as they drift to sleep,
I rise from the holds of slumber...
their lights switch off;
my midnight candle starts to burn.
while in the day I'm lifeless,
during the night, I endure indefinitely.
my strength prolongs with ripening eventide
surpassing the day walkers.
their consciousness wanes but waxes mine,
in perfectly timed alternation,
as I remain to do my share of contemplation
--life's bestsellers.
mentally unique...
I thrive under a canopy of stars.


i wrote this poem sometime back last year, while i was in marikina.
it is a tribute to my nightly habit that i don't think i'll ever get to
shake myself of. i found it gathering virtual dust in my deviantart account.
hehe..... it's not a very good piece. but that's okay.

depressed.







there's supposed to be a lot more stuff between the first line and this, but....
it gets rather scary in this part of my brain, where i get psychological bout me.



so there's just a big gaping space instead to censor the easily creeped out. hehehe.


but this i will say: i don't even feel anything like a million sentimos right now.......
and so, a million-dollar-baby feeling is an illusion in this twisted, confusing current state of mind.

fuming

i'm probably speaking for myself, but i'm somewhat infinitely irritated with people who imply something else about something you present to them. it's like, haha! i know why you're doing this! and more often than not, it turns out, they don't really know.
presumptions, presumptions.
and in this particular case i'm talking about, i don't know, he sounds somewhat...bitter towards me. and when i ask myself why, a dozen reasons are enumerated in my head. but i am speculating. i shouldn't be giving so much weight on haka-haka, because i realize that then i would be assuming truths -like him. and that's the last thing i want right now, to have anything in common with him. i don't hate him, but i presently dislike to be in his company.

[m]

i don't know...
no.
must...not...


i can't.


tsk. tsk.

heyst!

[link]

:'(

and i would be glad and feel content every time we talk.
i would have preferred that most things would be back as they were.
but it is non-negotiable as it seems, and i do not have the strength
that it takes to make me feel really all right.

i still prefer her to be part of my life, but she would not see that.
i will not let her.

mindset

doing something you don't feel like doing requires a conditioning
of the mind --a mindset. ceaseless talking and complaining will
only get you nowhere faster. and you'll accomplish little if any.

hahay. ambot na lang gyud...

if

if i survive tonight,
will i be grateful for tomorrow?

that thing called...

it's like the wind...sometimes it goes your way..

it conquers all, but is a mystery...

it breaks your heart, it takes no less than everything...

makes it hard, and fades away so easily...

but it breaks the chains...

it takes the tears and the pain and turns it into the beauty that remains...

lalalalala...

i'm not sure if it falls from sky above, or if it's underneath a willow tree...

but he just might be standing right next to me. =)

malas sa paghinigalaay

ambot ba. pero inani gyud siguro.. makahuna huna pud ta sa atong lesson
sa philo ani ngets...

is this the hand of fate or my own doing?

beh...

the first case was probably my fault in a way. i should have been more...
communicative of my thoughts and opinions.. and i should have shown her
that our friendship did mean something to me.

about the second...
it was probably a bad case of coincidence and of one thing leading to another.
i hate the fact that it happened to me, but i will not apologize for something
i just did not do. .. and this is the time i can tolerate people being angry at me.
i am sorry, but i am innocent. better if you realize it soon.

growing up

entry in journal, dated 10.17.04


i can say that i'm growing old. old in the sense that i no longer indulge in things
that i used to like doing. i set them aside, telling myself to do them later. and i
never did. i could still remember junctures when i used to wish for something to do
while away the excess time on my hands. now, i often wish for more time on my
hands. that's growing old. i'm forgetting my dreams. i'm becoming deaf to my
heart. it's telling me to slow down and listen. but my mind has always, always
dominated, telling me i don't have the time or energy. i'm old. i want to go back,
but i can't find my way. a lot of things used to mean something to me. now they
just seem ordinary... i'm losing the idealism of adolescence. they say that it's
better that way. but my dreams, my imagination, my creativity? they are a part of
me! i'm burying an extension of myself! i'm burying my youth... somehow, i envy
those who still bring with them their childhood. their inner child lives. and it is
the inner child that gives the power to create and attempt what the old do not, cannot,
will not understand. if i lose my inner child, i lose my source of magic. i would become
dry and cynical and mundane. i would become narrow-minded, closed to change and
innovation. how limited that life would be! the world is a vast expanse of possibilities..
there are gazillions of things that i have yet to discover and learn. i need to be a child to
do that. I CANNOT LOSE THE CHILD IN ME! i mustn't grow old. i must NOT grow old...

goodbye

songs played at random that make me reminded of him cannot be so random...


yet, beholding my current situation, i cannot anymore claim the right to feel this way for him.

my own actions have robbed me of what limited rights i had.
truly, rashness occasions undesirable consequence.


and now...

i shall have to learn to forget such a person.

impetuosity has a price. and hence, infatuation becomes a foolish concept to uphold in view of increasing the complexity of circumstances.

no. pragmatism will best be practiced at such an hour as this. along with self-control. and strict discipline. there is no more room for error.


i will see him when i see him, but i will not hope for such day. more harm than good comes with fanning the fires.

and so.



only memories i will take... his name shall remain only at the tip of my tongue, known but never uttered... and although my heart on him cannot close, it will not wait for his coming. and if dreams permit, i might see him still ...but only when i close my eyes.

spirited away

i feel nostalgic...

...of a japanese animation

that reminds me of someone.

...because it's someone i can't have beside me...

...someone really special...to me and as just himself.





he is nigihayami kohaku nushi...

...and i am chihiro.

hear our story, that our love can live.

somewhere in the middle of nowhere

i don't seem to know where i stand in the worlds i revolve around right now.
i've neglected some of those worlds, and now they're starting to turn without me.
and if so, where would i go? would they still welcome me? or would it be appalling
to go running back? should i find another world?

i feel sad, empty.
there's no one to really to talk to who would understand. never had been.
i cant go pretending. i dont want to.
where do lonely people ease their pains? is there even such a place?
this place offers no sort of comfort. it remains mute; my cries, unheeded.

would someone please find me...

if i hadn't made me
i would have been made somehow
if i hadn't assembled myself
i'd have fallen apart by now

if i hadn't made me
i'd be more inclined to bow
powers that be would have swallowed me up
but that's more than i can allow


this is by incubus. it's called "make yourself".
kinda affirms that being self-made is something of an accomplishment.
oh, nothing ... i just like the idea of being self-made and independent....

okay. all right.
it's me being egotistic, thinking that i need no one, that i can get by on my own.
that's what i like to think most of the time.

in fact, i like the idea so much that it's become a part of who i am --and a liability.
one of the reasons i have few friends siguro... i dont know.
however im really the shy type, deep inside, you know. was and always will be, probably.
most people won't be able to see that nowadays... because i don't let them see.
and what they see would never let them believe otherwise...
so it's kind of hard to explain to them.

well, it's okay. at least, i know who i am. that's important. youwon't lose yourself
so easily when people sell you what philosophies they want youto believe.



hahaha. basta lageh.

hey hey hey!

wala lang... the girl's just on her own again.

is that a good thing?
um...nope.

a bad thing then?
i'm not sure...


[sigh]. still out of touch with the rest of the world.

just looking for someone to talk to.
and i found one...

--myself.



/me thinking to self: nabuang na gyud ni siya o...

nawala na sad sa passing ang bata. wala lang. i'm just out of tune with the world again.
it happens everynow and then. nawala sa rhythm.

sometimes you just don't want to go along with the turning of the world. sometimes you'd
rather stay in your own world for a while. no prying eyes. no pressures. just you, you, you.
you could exhaust all the reading things piling up in your room, for one. how do you do
that, getting away from everything?

(x_x)

hahay...cannot set my preferred format nasad kay some program's missing from this computer terminal...

anyway.


i don't know how this goes for everyone else, but i just feel
frustrated [and then angry, my most well-displayed emotion]
when i don't know what i've done to make a person turn cold
to me. 'cause honestly, i did not know what i did this time!
okay, i may not be the kindest person one could encounter in
his/her lifetime. i tend to be very aloof (and i could add that
to my profile if it makes YOU happy). but i'm also not that
imprudent or tactless to hurt people. god, it's one of the things
i've been teaching myself for years to refrain from doing. even
if it's been running against the grain, i've learned to do my
best to restrain myself --and still learning to do it much better. if only YOU knew how much effort could be put into that. but
i guess YOU still don't know me well enough. heck, no one does.
who am i kidding? and who are YOU kidding? the more YOU avoid
me,the more YOU continue to hurt yourself. and i wish YOU'd
tell me what it is i did.

wehehe...don't read!

these're just excerpts from the pages of my journal... eh i like the way i wrote them, so what's it to anyone else?!

hmm...defensive.....

anyway...


dated 5 sept 04

Still got two chapters up, but I can't focus my brain anywhere near them or the one I've started with on my lap right here.

It's like it's easier to contemplate on my nonexistent love life and what could be...Things are easier when still in the mind.

Reaility is so harsh, crude, unforgiving...sometimes. You know how I imagine M****** and I would be like? We'd really

like each other. We'd always be together, practically inseperable. And we'd enjoy each other's company. I'd make him laugh

and smile. He'll put the twinkle in mye eyes and the smile on my lips would be for him, because of him. We would forget

our friends while we're together, but that wouldn't sound so bad to us, like how it might in a different circumstance. The

world would seem new and unexplored, because he's here...because I'm in his life...And I....I would see only him. I would

be affectionate like I never usually am. He would think of only me and when he'll see me again. "How wonderful life is, now

you're in the world...."

Wishing and hoping and praying...how does that song go again?

****

dated 28 oct 04

No! You cannot keep hoping that there's going to be an "us". There isn't going to be an "us" while I'm master of my ship. I am

going to resist that idea --rage against it, if need be. It isn't preposterous nor impossible. In another situation, it might happen.

But not in this case. Highly an improbable situation it is, so let us stop all the attempts and the silent persuasions going on. They

only irritate and alienate,cause discomfort....I mean, what makes you believe in that remote chance that you continue this hopeless

campaign? Can you not read the signs? Can you not understand the situation? Or perhaps did I overestimate your capabilities that

you fell short of...expectations...? Perhaps you're not really as perceptive or as quick as I thought? Do I really overestimate people?

'Cause if I do, the blame falls on me....I don't even understand what I'm saying...! Basta, point is, the door is closed. The woman

isn't entertaining annoying visitors....Her heart isn't up for auction to people she considers her friends! So, shoo. Skedaddle.

GO. AWAY! ....Can't. CANNOT.

this wasn't really very well written, but i'm posting it, hoping to put the message across.