goodbye

songs played at random that make me reminded of him cannot be so random...


yet, beholding my current situation, i cannot anymore claim the right to feel this way for him.

my own actions have robbed me of what limited rights i had.
truly, rashness occasions undesirable consequence.


and now...

i shall have to learn to forget such a person.

impetuosity has a price. and hence, infatuation becomes a foolish concept to uphold in view of increasing the complexity of circumstances.

no. pragmatism will best be practiced at such an hour as this. along with self-control. and strict discipline. there is no more room for error.


i will see him when i see him, but i will not hope for such day. more harm than good comes with fanning the fires.

and so.



only memories i will take... his name shall remain only at the tip of my tongue, known but never uttered... and although my heart on him cannot close, it will not wait for his coming. and if dreams permit, i might see him still ...but only when i close my eyes.

spirited away

i feel nostalgic...

...of a japanese animation

that reminds me of someone.

...because it's someone i can't have beside me...

...someone really special...to me and as just himself.





he is nigihayami kohaku nushi...

...and i am chihiro.

hear our story, that our love can live.

somewhere in the middle of nowhere

i don't seem to know where i stand in the worlds i revolve around right now.
i've neglected some of those worlds, and now they're starting to turn without me.
and if so, where would i go? would they still welcome me? or would it be appalling
to go running back? should i find another world?

i feel sad, empty.
there's no one to really to talk to who would understand. never had been.
i cant go pretending. i dont want to.
where do lonely people ease their pains? is there even such a place?
this place offers no sort of comfort. it remains mute; my cries, unheeded.

would someone please find me...

if i hadn't made me
i would have been made somehow
if i hadn't assembled myself
i'd have fallen apart by now

if i hadn't made me
i'd be more inclined to bow
powers that be would have swallowed me up
but that's more than i can allow


this is by incubus. it's called "make yourself".
kinda affirms that being self-made is something of an accomplishment.
oh, nothing ... i just like the idea of being self-made and independent....

okay. all right.
it's me being egotistic, thinking that i need no one, that i can get by on my own.
that's what i like to think most of the time.

in fact, i like the idea so much that it's become a part of who i am --and a liability.
one of the reasons i have few friends siguro... i dont know.
however im really the shy type, deep inside, you know. was and always will be, probably.
most people won't be able to see that nowadays... because i don't let them see.
and what they see would never let them believe otherwise...
so it's kind of hard to explain to them.

well, it's okay. at least, i know who i am. that's important. youwon't lose yourself
so easily when people sell you what philosophies they want youto believe.



hahaha. basta lageh.

hey hey hey!

wala lang... the girl's just on her own again.

is that a good thing?
um...nope.

a bad thing then?
i'm not sure...


[sigh]. still out of touch with the rest of the world.

just looking for someone to talk to.
and i found one...

--myself.



/me thinking to self: nabuang na gyud ni siya o...

nawala na sad sa passing ang bata. wala lang. i'm just out of tune with the world again.
it happens everynow and then. nawala sa rhythm.

sometimes you just don't want to go along with the turning of the world. sometimes you'd
rather stay in your own world for a while. no prying eyes. no pressures. just you, you, you.
you could exhaust all the reading things piling up in your room, for one. how do you do
that, getting away from everything?

(x_x)

hahay...cannot set my preferred format nasad kay some program's missing from this computer terminal...

anyway.


i don't know how this goes for everyone else, but i just feel
frustrated [and then angry, my most well-displayed emotion]
when i don't know what i've done to make a person turn cold
to me. 'cause honestly, i did not know what i did this time!
okay, i may not be the kindest person one could encounter in
his/her lifetime. i tend to be very aloof (and i could add that
to my profile if it makes YOU happy). but i'm also not that
imprudent or tactless to hurt people. god, it's one of the things
i've been teaching myself for years to refrain from doing. even
if it's been running against the grain, i've learned to do my
best to restrain myself --and still learning to do it much better. if only YOU knew how much effort could be put into that. but
i guess YOU still don't know me well enough. heck, no one does.
who am i kidding? and who are YOU kidding? the more YOU avoid
me,the more YOU continue to hurt yourself. and i wish YOU'd
tell me what it is i did.

wehehe...don't read!

these're just excerpts from the pages of my journal... eh i like the way i wrote them, so what's it to anyone else?!

hmm...defensive.....

anyway...


dated 5 sept 04

Still got two chapters up, but I can't focus my brain anywhere near them or the one I've started with on my lap right here.

It's like it's easier to contemplate on my nonexistent love life and what could be...Things are easier when still in the mind.

Reaility is so harsh, crude, unforgiving...sometimes. You know how I imagine M****** and I would be like? We'd really

like each other. We'd always be together, practically inseperable. And we'd enjoy each other's company. I'd make him laugh

and smile. He'll put the twinkle in mye eyes and the smile on my lips would be for him, because of him. We would forget

our friends while we're together, but that wouldn't sound so bad to us, like how it might in a different circumstance. The

world would seem new and unexplored, because he's here...because I'm in his life...And I....I would see only him. I would

be affectionate like I never usually am. He would think of only me and when he'll see me again. "How wonderful life is, now

you're in the world...."

Wishing and hoping and praying...how does that song go again?

****

dated 28 oct 04

No! You cannot keep hoping that there's going to be an "us". There isn't going to be an "us" while I'm master of my ship. I am

going to resist that idea --rage against it, if need be. It isn't preposterous nor impossible. In another situation, it might happen.

But not in this case. Highly an improbable situation it is, so let us stop all the attempts and the silent persuasions going on. They

only irritate and alienate,cause discomfort....I mean, what makes you believe in that remote chance that you continue this hopeless

campaign? Can you not read the signs? Can you not understand the situation? Or perhaps did I overestimate your capabilities that

you fell short of...expectations...? Perhaps you're not really as perceptive or as quick as I thought? Do I really overestimate people?

'Cause if I do, the blame falls on me....I don't even understand what I'm saying...! Basta, point is, the door is closed. The woman

isn't entertaining annoying visitors....Her heart isn't up for auction to people she considers her friends! So, shoo. Skedaddle.

GO. AWAY! ....Can't. CANNOT.

this wasn't really very well written, but i'm posting it, hoping to put the message across.

random thoughts

i think i may be going to fulfill what my father had once envisioned for me...

i think i may finally want to be a lawyer...

i realize, i'm beginning to seriously like politics-related subjects..
it's like i want to stuff my brain with everything
there is to know.
i want to understand the works...i want to understand government...
i want to know the laws...
'cause, if i learn all these things, i might figure out how to end this bull of a democracy...
and then help the oppressed perhaps...

if i do decide on law school, i better be that damn good...

for the meantime, i'll try to ace pol sci w/ the instruction of pacamalan as a challenge..
bwezet na maestro! booger kaayo..

xoxo



there's this intellectual one that i'll forever adore for his beautiful eyes and total dedication to his cause.
there's another whom i'll always fall for, for his intelligence, creativity, wit and soulful eyes...forever, it seems...
then there's this one with a really sharp mind, a spine-tingling voice, and eyes that crinkle and twinkle when he smiles...
but of course, there's the one whom the gods seemed to have fated me to, 'cause even without the eyes, soft heart, wit and all that (jazz),
he still gets to open the door..


i cant escape... theyre in the four corners of my little world...

LOL! what the --!


xoxo


did you know that showing interest & appreciation to a person is not at all a bad thing? amaw ka man.
you're so, so, so.....serious. :-
lighten up.

looking out the window

[i forgot which font i used in my first blog...]

*trying things out on the formatting tool bar, hehehe*

i was just wondering...

how do you tell a person that there can't be anything more between you than friendship? 'cause im sort of in those shoes right now...
am i sending the wrong signals? i dont think so...
or maybe he is blinded by emotion... he tends to be somewhat emotional around.. around me. he isn't normally.

i wish he'd stay normal!

they were sort of accumulating on my hard disk, so...

i now instead find myself following the golden pavement, hoping to find my wizard.
he keeps the light to the many things i now grope for in shadow.

he is intelligent and deep.
he is so grounded, salt of the earth.
there is no one like him...

compared to me...i float...
...immiscible with the matrix -and life.
and i cannot change my properties into something im not.
i can try, but...

i am uncertain where this all leads me to.
probably nowhere, and nothing waiting at the end.
and so i am scared to go on...
what awaits (if there is) wears darkness for a cloak.
no, not really scared... just apprehensive, maybe.
i dont want hurt... to inflict it....or to be at the receiving end.
but i also cannot keep myself. the enticement proves too much for this humble heart to ignore.

mystery is such a compelling thing.

i hope it shant go away. life without it proves too ordinary.
cruel of me to propel my personal enjoyment through feelings.
cruel... and selfish.



somebody bump me in the head.


*ow!*


-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

it would not be the end of the world, but you feel like you would find it hard to be genuinely happy another time, whatever you do. you're just in the pit of your stomach, not trapped, but not wanting to get out of the acid bath. you just let it pour over you, and over, and over....

[deep siiiiggghhhhh....]

what i have with him, its very frail, but its real. the frustration of not bridging the gap is overwhelming, almost debilitating. mentally, physically. so close, but still a whole world away....
im crazy. this is crazy. one of these days, i will come around. come to my senses and end this, this inanity!but not just now...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[date forgotten]

euro 04 game on tv.
but im cool.
brandon boyd keeping me company..
aqueous transmission...ahh. so relaxing.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[date forgotten]


another thing. you can't share and fully appreciate if you breed anger in your heart. anger makes you selfish and inconsiderate.



------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

09.15.04

i read "black and white" -again. very profound. profound and philosophical. i admire him even more. he is minimalist in his expressions, but whenever he does, you cant help but be awed. and when i look at my own integrity, i shame myself when put beside him. but i think i may not be too unfortunate. cause i recognized genius when held in front of my face, as well as my own lack...

black and white thinking reminds me of momon. because he always had to let me choose between two seemingly opposite choices, like they were the only choices that i could have. and he thought that they were. and i didn't.

is yes always the opposite of no? is no always opposite of yes? arent we allowed to answer a maybe or an i dont know? if you do answer like that, wala kuno kay klaro nga tao. maybe i am. but that does not make me any lesser than anyone else. im different. that is all. i would have liked to blend in. i would have. instead, i go and look for others like me. are there others like me?

cause i want to be free from this way of thinking. to free my mind.

i want to be enlightened. to be free. how?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[date forgotten]


how come people know what to do with their life?
how come i don't?
a friend said [before my memory betrays me, it was oding who told me] that that was actually good.
you are free to determine your choices and your path.
but probably more importantly, you are FREE.
yeah. it IS great to be free...but it could also be so overwhelming.
overwhelming, for one who doesn't know what to become, where to go, even what to do.



Will I ever get to where I'm going?
If I do, will I know when I am there?
If the wind blew me in the right direction, yeah
Would I even care?
I would...



It seems as though I'm going nowhere...fast
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[date 4gotten]


i think...he likes a girl...someone else.
i think her name might be...katrina.
it's not a crush. it's a developing & deepening attraction.
and the idea....hurts.

--not that i have any right.





it's sad. you've found what you've been looking for, only to discover he wasn't for you.


if you really care, why can't you be with me?





just leave me wallowing in messy emotions. just leave me alone. i'll live.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

10.26.04

infatuated with a guy i barely know! stupid. impulsive. hopeless.

it's almost addictive... infatuating.

he's an artist.

[i refrain from mentioning his name. i do want the world to know; i want to say it at the top of my lungsy lungs but im scared.....]

did you know how good he is with his hands? he nurtures his gift well -very well.
traditional, digital, mental...in all those ways, he's an artist.
great. superlative. unparalleled.
he's not a writer, but when he writes, it's vividly so.
the words are so tangible, they pierce through you.
and they're how i fell for him.

stupid? honestly, im not sure.

and here's where it gets hazy: nothing after the usual introductions and few, few (too few) times that our paths met. and they weren't really major. they were actually premeditated.
scheming fool.
i dont know who he is, how he is, what he is. i dont know if i'll ever know.

...and this's where it transitions into hopelessness.

i dont know if i'll ever get to find him in this life. there are some things that are just [better] out of your hands.

so i decide to watch from a distance... i can't turn away, but i also have to be real.
some things you can't force... some things you have to let run its course...
some things you leave to destiny to work out.

it's a long wait. i'm not even sure about how things turn out, if it's favorable to me or not.
it may even be over before i know it. i just may lose these feelings in time. in time...

for now, i just watch... watch and try to not touch. try not to involve myself. try to understand how things fit and see where i could belong...

in the meantime, i try to cope. with the hopelessness, with the turmoil inside my chest...
cope with all these and the wonder i continually experience with the idea of him... (just the idea of him alone could already do things to me.)

and everything will take on an added meaning.
every task is done a little better for him.
every song heartily sung is for him, because of him.
every time out in the city is tinged with an eagerness to see him around the corner, at the movies,
at an internet cafe, in school...

everything will have purpose.

the hope that the universe somehow conspires to make our paths cross and intertwine springs low, but eternal...



(you do that to me.)

hahay...

how do you discover the rhythm of life? things would be so much easier when you know the flow...and im so out of it.

lost/unhappy

and so i finally got over the major mess that was my 1st semester of my 4th and supposedly graduation year. and yes, as should have been clear months back, i will not be graduating. i totally f*cked up. to say the least. im supposed to be happy about it, 'cause i finally got what i wanted. i wanted to extend my stay in school --for some reasons i have the future to enumerate. so what's bugging me? aside from this shitty feeling that comes with colds and sore throat? i don't know how to break it to my family. i'm sure they'll experience hypertension if they haven't had. well, in the case of my dad, i hope he holds it down just in time (scary). yeah, how would my dad react to my premeditated failure to meet their expectations? i mean, i've been faring the least badly among his daughters all these years. what can i say? things don't always come out like you planned them. if it has for him, not this time then.

there's also this feeling that you call guilt. eating me inside. i mean, i'm wasting my family's resources, aren't i? i am sorry to have done that. so to compensate, i plant to get a job. to help ease things. i'm grown up right? so i have this sense of responsibility now. and i don't plan to be a deadweight on their shoulders. i'll lighten their load. i don't want to be no deadweight. independence is my forte.

what else...

oh yes. there's this situation at the pub that's coming. it's gonna make campus press management a bit harder. i dont care to elaborate right now. my head's all a mess, too. you get the idea.

hahay... but i'm still unhappy.