Raging Against....

I'm rebelling.... And I know it. I am angry, much as I don't really want to be. I've been exercising much of my newfound patience for people, stretching it when I thought I couldn't it stretch it that far anymore. Maybe I actually became tired of being angry all my life in an unconscious part of my head. Maybe I realized that bursting out every time you felt like it just was unbecoming of me, or of anyone who deep inside just really wants to be a good person, to achieve a true peace with his/her brethren and with him/herself. But then.....I get provoked to the point of going insane. Lately. And for what? Because I wanted to create my own path, move away (or just stray a bit, really) from under their wing. I am not being ungrateful. I have more than my whole life to be grateful for to them. I only wanted to try things out for myself. But instead of being supportive, they put me down and criticize every little thing --no, more like blowing up every little thing that they could find something wrong with! I totally see where they're coming from. And I am ready to go into an explanation to make them understand. But that's just the point there. They do not. Will not. Cannot. Why can't they? I admit, at some point, I was being selfish. Because what they really want is to see me off a relatively promising path in life. I know that. And I want to accomplish that for them. And I think I will. I sincerely don't want them to be anymore worrying about me. But they must understand that pushing me to do something I'm not ready to partake in will only lead to mine and their disappointment. I know my capabilities, and I know how much time I need to have. They need to be understanding sometimes. Sometimes, it feels like they're running a boot camp. Everything they want to happen should get done. No buts. No ifs. No consideration of the person's feelings or state of mind, whatsoever. Plus the fact that I've felt rejected, or at least, less wanted, by them. By any of them. Perhaps they don't know that. All they see is me seemingly aloof, indifferent, uncaring. When the truth is, I care a damn lot. Even when I don't want to, didn't have to. Even more than each of their "favorites". There could only be so many instances that I would have liked to run away, get away from this place, this situation. It's so stifling. Stuffier than the eternal fires of the theological hell might make it to be. And it's so obvious they're playing favorites, no matter what they say about being equally loved and judged or whatever. And I'm the one left in the middle, not wanted....not really. I'm fine with it now. I've accepted that I'm nobody's favorite. Got that. What I will not accept is that I'm being unfairly treated. I have a strong proud streak, and it's partly their doing that made me this way. And that pride is demanding that I at least be given the same privileges as the rest of us. I can live with being the odd one out. I'm okay with odd. I'm a nonconformist, anyway. Or trying to be. Trying to be, 'cause I've been blessed to be chicken shit, notwithstanding. 'Cause sometimes, I really only feign to be brave, when I'm already dying to collapse and cry. Because there's no one to collapse into, no arms outstretched, nobody to have my back. All I have is myself. Just like now. I don't want to keep this anger a second longer. But I....I feel I have to. For me, I believe. It's just that I don't want to feel I'm weak anymore. When you are weak, you are strong? Ha ha. Run that to me again, wouldja please.

Okay... I'll think about it. I am not yet cold-hearted.