proof of neurosis

First of all, I must be crazy to be putting this in here. It's exxxtreeeemely personal. But I don't know, I feel it such a waste to be sending it to oblivion. Maybe I'm vain. Maybe I want to be understood. To be misunderstood is a suffering...

So here goes. (Names removed to retain some semblance of privacy)

Mon 07/10/06

I am neurotic. This morning, I had an attack of extreme pessimism, if there's such a thing. It felt as if I was leading a pointless, disappointing and unfulfilled existence. It was as if I merely existed all this time just to feel insecure and depressed and unhappy in my life. My head was a mess, I couldn't come up with one rational thought. All I kept thinking about was that I was alone because my friends don't want me around, that I was inadequate, especially in comparison with this girl -and I thought I was over that. And even though he was there, I felt I was still by myself, because he may just be leading me on and will probably leave me one day, if not soon. He would be better without me, anyway. And he's got lots of friends and girls at his feet...he wouldn't miss a thing like me. I am alone and am meant to be alone.
That was how deep my unresolved confidence issues could go and how small I could make me feel. And I only found this out today. They've been there for most of my life, hovering in my subconscious, and resurfacing every now and then. When I stepped into college, i lost some of the intensity of these feelings. Confidence came with being able to have my way and getting to do things as I pleased. Yet some things were never done the right way still -or, what was the right way in my twisted and tainted opinion -that I never totally overcame insecurities. I really thought I was well on the way towards moving on from the issue with this girl, but it must have been all on a theoretical level. Last night was the first-ever venue for application, and with all certainty I failed on that first test. I guess I'll need a few more similar instances to really gauge where I am on the issue. (So technically, I'm still troubled, though not as much.)
I also realize that my insecurities are really that deep-seated and will take some years of work and an establishment of confidence in a trusted someone (i.e., finding a "best friend" -cliched and so true) to zap them. They're that embedded that they can tap into my emotions and make an instant mess out of me. During that pessimism attack, I actually seriously considered finding a real shrink to examine my head. Looking back on that, it's still not a bad -or crazy - idea. I do need to achieve a broader, fuller understanding of my mental framework, and a psychologist is the best professional bet to do that. It is also a step towards that coveted peace of mind.
I do have a better appreciation and acceptance of myself at present. I already have the power to say that things are what they are to me because this is simply who I am. This is how I see things and so this is how I do them. But there are still confusing moments when I question what I really want, or when I am still undecided about things. These moments are anxiety provocateurs, and I would like to stop feeling distressed. I want to be certain of who I am, of what I want. I am not yet worried about where I'm going with my life, but when I start to be, I'd like to have just that one complication and not be additionally burdened with identity and self-esteem issues. I'd like to be behind the wheel and completely in control for once. Not being steered around at the whim of my jumbled emotions.