Just so you know, I'm taking a liking to this new template... I think it's... nice.
Just so you know.
Saturday, July 22, 2006
A Lengthy Contemplation
If anyone would like to give me the slightest chance to choose what I want most to do with my life, right now, I would like to take up Creative Writing at the University of the Philippines, if you please. It doesn't even have to be in Dilliman. UP Mindanao will already be satisfactory. I reeeaaallly want to learn how to write, and write well. I don't know. It's been bugging me ever since I was shown the possibility of choosing what to do with my life. That was during my first year as a fourth-year student in my current course. And now it's bugging me every waking moment.
I'm already in supersenior status, faced yet again with the situation to tackle the one remaining subject that's kept me from holding a graduation diploma - that is, if I do decide to embark again. Yes, I know. It's one measly subject. A one-unit subject at that. What the hey! I would have already been legally out of school long ago, you might say. Yeah, you or someone else might. I'm not entirely sure what the matter is... I only know that I can't seem to think of the easiest topic that I can experiment on and get college over with. I'm also lazy, perhaps. Perhaps... Or perhaps, this just isn't the right course for me, after all. I mean, I passed the rest of the subjects, but that was because I had friends and batchmates to go through the whole ordeal with. And now that I'm alone... I have no one to run to or keep me going now. Now, the final test of application of all the subjects taken up (Bio Thesis) has become a huge road block.
Biology is interesting, to be honest. I loved what I've learned - what I did learn, hehehe. And I wouldn't have met this fun bunch of people - classmates and teachers - and I wouldn't have had the fun that I had if it weren't for Biology. But still... I am no good with the "kuti" procedures. No patience, no enthusiasm to get them right whatsoever. When I had to do the "kuti" stuff, I suffered.
They were the most boring, most pleasureless moments in my life. I was so close to falling asleep or cutting class during those moments. I wouldn't even have cringed if the professor glared at me and gave me a degrading reprimand. I would have silently thanked him for breaking the boredom and waking me up. (Yes, a "him" came to mind. He's the scariest of them all when he's mad/unconvinced with your answer/skeptical you learned anything, and his 4th-year subjects were the most esoteric, thus, the most boring. I honestly didn't learn anything. There's nothing in my head from either Physio class.)
I'm supposed to be doing something about this thesis subject during this very time period (1st sem), in order to catch up with the graduating batch next sem, but.... here I am. Online and doing nothing helpful. Supposed to be working, too, at that.
But like I said earlier, give me the smallest chance to get myself to U.P. and I'll pounce on it. I deeply want to nurture this long-ignored desire of writing. I have been met with the practical questions about what future writing's going to hold for me, or where to get the money for tuition and lodging and books and such whenever I broached the subject... But you can't force me to do what I have no passion for doing, either.
The biggest example right now, is this web editing job. Do you see what I'm doing? This is me spending what time I could've spent to reach my job quota for doing something else, something less contributory. All I could maintain thinking of when I place my fingers on the keyboard is writing..... writing..... writing.
How would I fare if the professor made us write a short story? A novella? Or some literary piece? Thoughts like that. I'd like to learn how to write poems or a play script, try working on one literary form under a certain theme. Things like that are likely to happen, because someone I know took up that very subject (her written works and some such are with me) and I downloaded the entire prospectus from the U.P. Min web site.
And lately I've been thinking about actually writing to the school's Admissions department and inquire. I am more than ready for this. I don't want to wait for an opportunity or when I'm more financially secure. It may never come. I want to act now. And there are other perks. My enthusiasm to play is dying here, and Davao is one football-active place. I might get an opportunity to rekindle it back to life there. Wouldn't that be a deal? My dream and my two passions all in one place. I only have to bring my spikes.
And it's not like I'm not coming back, anyway. How many years will it just be? Two? Three? And Davao is just 8 hours away, max. It's a long, ugly bus ride, but it's near enough. I can say that I can handle this.
Something -er, someone - is keeping my two feet here, though. And he's making me seriously hesitate. He makes me think so hard about going through with this. With my family, I know, somehow, by just pushing the right buttons, I might have a chance to get what I want. But it is different with this one. Entirely.
Because it's a "we", one must think in terms of "we", or at least with the other in mind. Wanting to pursue one's dream would be thinking only of one's own life's direction. We have our own separate lives, too, right. We can certainly continue to exist without each other and still also be happy, perhaps. But we would not like to lead lives separately, of course, if it could be helped. So I am also then at a point from which I must decide another path I could tread: we or me. Could the "me" path intersect the "we" path somewhere down the road? Or will the "me" path forge an altogether different, totally new life for me once I'm on it? Or is it more complex than just these two paths?
O, di ba. It certainly makes you sit down and think. If it's the real thing you'd want to keep it. But then, now is not the time to settle. Now is the time in which to try to reach to your potentials and enrich your life. Something has to give or be made to make this one work. And it will not be easy. There will be nothing easy about it. Whatever I may come down to, there will be difficult choices to face shortly up ahead.
I've written about this before and I've said some things, but then, this desire must be stronger than I initially estimated it to be. Maybe, it's my life's calling. My Personal Legend. My one true responsibility in this world. I am not certain that if I heed it, the rest of my life will follow. I do not know if everything comes out all right in the end. I do not know if the people I want to be in my life will be in it if I leave all familiarity and choose the path I haven't traveled. I know that the unknown and the uncertain should be faced bravely and as best one can, but I don't know if I should go looking for them. I only know that I cannot be content with my life yet, with so little in it. I have not yet enriched my life in the way and with the things I want it to be filled with.
And that's where destiny comes in. I believe that destiny also has a share of control with life's reins. Destiny handles the things you can't forever control or have no control over. If something or someone is meant to be in your life, destiny will put it or that person back in the circuit. I believe that. But I don't believe that just so I can have a reason to do what I want to do. I'm stating it because it's true for me. Because, there is a force working alongside you as you make decisions. Perhaps, it's why, even though if things in life happen because you did something to make them happen, some things still happen without your help or your permission.
So leave it all to destiny, hmm..... it's only so easy to speak about it, than to be actually in the situation when you have to let go...
Well, well, well.... That's my answer, isn't it? Let go and let destiny take it from there... There's something transcendental about destiny, isn't there? Divine, even. It might very well be God, one manifestation of his presence in this world.
I know another purpose for dreams now. They are motivations to seek for more, for fulfillment, for a more content later life, if one is destined to reach that age. They build and/or strengthen character, because if you follow them, you will inevitably be faced with unfamiliar situations that give you two options: sink or swim. Walk away and be cowardly, or press on and come out a much braver person. And maybe that's why God put them in every person he created. And that makes for a more interesting world, actually. Combinations of possibilities, that with every combination is a different outcome, a different world that ensues. And results vary greatly, widely, perhaps even endlessly. But somehow, from these possible combinations, there's one that made the world what it is now... And maybe, it's part of the grand design that the world is following right now...
(Yes, I believe in a "grand design", too. If you believe in destiny, you would, inevitably.)
I don't know if I'm exactly being intelligible right now. It's complicated. It's better illustrated with an algebraic/statistical lesson that I remember but can't quite execute (You know, permutations?). It's more complicated than I am capable of putting into understandable words right now, but somehow, I find it comprehensible. Amazing... God is. Infinitely amazing, infinitely the smartest, infinitely the most insightful, infinitely everything.
But.......back to what this is all about. I can see better where I can go, which paths I can tread. And I know my options, and it's possible for a Plan B and maybe a Plan C, in just-in-case scenarios... Basta... Whatever... I have a clearer idea of what to do now. But everything only works at the right time and while there is still time. If I want what I said I want, I have to get moving.
I'm already in supersenior status, faced yet again with the situation to tackle the one remaining subject that's kept me from holding a graduation diploma - that is, if I do decide to embark again. Yes, I know. It's one measly subject. A one-unit subject at that. What the hey! I would have already been legally out of school long ago, you might say. Yeah, you or someone else might. I'm not entirely sure what the matter is... I only know that I can't seem to think of the easiest topic that I can experiment on and get college over with. I'm also lazy, perhaps. Perhaps... Or perhaps, this just isn't the right course for me, after all. I mean, I passed the rest of the subjects, but that was because I had friends and batchmates to go through the whole ordeal with. And now that I'm alone... I have no one to run to or keep me going now. Now, the final test of application of all the subjects taken up (Bio Thesis) has become a huge road block.
Biology is interesting, to be honest. I loved what I've learned - what I did learn, hehehe. And I wouldn't have met this fun bunch of people - classmates and teachers - and I wouldn't have had the fun that I had if it weren't for Biology. But still... I am no good with the "kuti" procedures. No patience, no enthusiasm to get them right whatsoever. When I had to do the "kuti" stuff, I suffered.
They were the most boring, most pleasureless moments in my life. I was so close to falling asleep or cutting class during those moments. I wouldn't even have cringed if the professor glared at me and gave me a degrading reprimand. I would have silently thanked him for breaking the boredom and waking me up. (Yes, a "him" came to mind. He's the scariest of them all when he's mad/unconvinced with your answer/skeptical you learned anything, and his 4th-year subjects were the most esoteric, thus, the most boring. I honestly didn't learn anything. There's nothing in my head from either Physio class.)
I'm supposed to be doing something about this thesis subject during this very time period (1st sem), in order to catch up with the graduating batch next sem, but.... here I am. Online and doing nothing helpful. Supposed to be working, too, at that.
But like I said earlier, give me the smallest chance to get myself to U.P. and I'll pounce on it. I deeply want to nurture this long-ignored desire of writing. I have been met with the practical questions about what future writing's going to hold for me, or where to get the money for tuition and lodging and books and such whenever I broached the subject... But you can't force me to do what I have no passion for doing, either.
The biggest example right now, is this web editing job. Do you see what I'm doing? This is me spending what time I could've spent to reach my job quota for doing something else, something less contributory. All I could maintain thinking of when I place my fingers on the keyboard is writing..... writing..... writing.
How would I fare if the professor made us write a short story? A novella? Or some literary piece? Thoughts like that. I'd like to learn how to write poems or a play script, try working on one literary form under a certain theme. Things like that are likely to happen, because someone I know took up that very subject (her written works and some such are with me) and I downloaded the entire prospectus from the U.P. Min web site.
And lately I've been thinking about actually writing to the school's Admissions department and inquire. I am more than ready for this. I don't want to wait for an opportunity or when I'm more financially secure. It may never come. I want to act now. And there are other perks. My enthusiasm to play is dying here, and Davao is one football-active place. I might get an opportunity to rekindle it back to life there. Wouldn't that be a deal? My dream and my two passions all in one place. I only have to bring my spikes.
And it's not like I'm not coming back, anyway. How many years will it just be? Two? Three? And Davao is just 8 hours away, max. It's a long, ugly bus ride, but it's near enough. I can say that I can handle this.
Something -er, someone - is keeping my two feet here, though. And he's making me seriously hesitate. He makes me think so hard about going through with this. With my family, I know, somehow, by just pushing the right buttons, I might have a chance to get what I want. But it is different with this one. Entirely.
Because it's a "we", one must think in terms of "we", or at least with the other in mind. Wanting to pursue one's dream would be thinking only of one's own life's direction. We have our own separate lives, too, right. We can certainly continue to exist without each other and still also be happy, perhaps. But we would not like to lead lives separately, of course, if it could be helped. So I am also then at a point from which I must decide another path I could tread: we or me. Could the "me" path intersect the "we" path somewhere down the road? Or will the "me" path forge an altogether different, totally new life for me once I'm on it? Or is it more complex than just these two paths?
O, di ba. It certainly makes you sit down and think. If it's the real thing you'd want to keep it. But then, now is not the time to settle. Now is the time in which to try to reach to your potentials and enrich your life. Something has to give or be made to make this one work. And it will not be easy. There will be nothing easy about it. Whatever I may come down to, there will be difficult choices to face shortly up ahead.
I've written about this before and I've said some things, but then, this desire must be stronger than I initially estimated it to be. Maybe, it's my life's calling. My Personal Legend. My one true responsibility in this world. I am not certain that if I heed it, the rest of my life will follow. I do not know if everything comes out all right in the end. I do not know if the people I want to be in my life will be in it if I leave all familiarity and choose the path I haven't traveled. I know that the unknown and the uncertain should be faced bravely and as best one can, but I don't know if I should go looking for them. I only know that I cannot be content with my life yet, with so little in it. I have not yet enriched my life in the way and with the things I want it to be filled with.
And that's where destiny comes in. I believe that destiny also has a share of control with life's reins. Destiny handles the things you can't forever control or have no control over. If something or someone is meant to be in your life, destiny will put it or that person back in the circuit. I believe that. But I don't believe that just so I can have a reason to do what I want to do. I'm stating it because it's true for me. Because, there is a force working alongside you as you make decisions. Perhaps, it's why, even though if things in life happen because you did something to make them happen, some things still happen without your help or your permission.
So leave it all to destiny, hmm..... it's only so easy to speak about it, than to be actually in the situation when you have to let go...
Well, well, well.... That's my answer, isn't it? Let go and let destiny take it from there... There's something transcendental about destiny, isn't there? Divine, even. It might very well be God, one manifestation of his presence in this world.
I know another purpose for dreams now. They are motivations to seek for more, for fulfillment, for a more content later life, if one is destined to reach that age. They build and/or strengthen character, because if you follow them, you will inevitably be faced with unfamiliar situations that give you two options: sink or swim. Walk away and be cowardly, or press on and come out a much braver person. And maybe that's why God put them in every person he created. And that makes for a more interesting world, actually. Combinations of possibilities, that with every combination is a different outcome, a different world that ensues. And results vary greatly, widely, perhaps even endlessly. But somehow, from these possible combinations, there's one that made the world what it is now... And maybe, it's part of the grand design that the world is following right now...
(Yes, I believe in a "grand design", too. If you believe in destiny, you would, inevitably.)
I don't know if I'm exactly being intelligible right now. It's complicated. It's better illustrated with an algebraic/statistical lesson that I remember but can't quite execute (You know, permutations?). It's more complicated than I am capable of putting into understandable words right now, but somehow, I find it comprehensible. Amazing... God is. Infinitely amazing, infinitely the smartest, infinitely the most insightful, infinitely everything.
But.......back to what this is all about. I can see better where I can go, which paths I can tread. And I know my options, and it's possible for a Plan B and maybe a Plan C, in just-in-case scenarios... Basta... Whatever... I have a clearer idea of what to do now. But everything only works at the right time and while there is still time. If I want what I said I want, I have to get moving.
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
an admirer admiring Admiration
Admiration
Could you move in slow motion?
Everything goes by so fast
Just slow down a little
Save the best part for last
You speak in riddles
Your intentions turn me on
I'm yours forever
Will you love me when I'm gone?
You're an unfenced fire
Over walls we travel
It's you I admire
My living example
Your eyes are an undiscovered ocean far away
Any minute now keeping
Both poets and priests at bay
Don't get ahead of me
Could we just this once see eye to eye?
What you offer has me
Ask me how it feels to vie
You're an unfenced fire
Over walls we travel
It's you I admire
My living example
It's a photograph discovered a decade after
It's a cannon blast disguised as a firecracker
It's enough to bring a brick wall to its knees
And sing, please
Could you move in slow motion?
Everything goes by so fast
Just slow down a little
Save the best part for last
You're an unfenced fire
Over walls we travel
It's you I admire
My living example
Why...
Why...
Why, why, why.....
Why is this man so enchanting! So talented, so gifted, so... he's so many things! If his lyrics aren't beautiful, his voice is enough so, that you'll like the song (and him!) - for a while, at the very least. This is entirely speaking on my behalf, but Brandon Boyd is perhaps the most talented musical artist out there. Beyond compare. He can draw, he composes, he plays one instrument at least, he has a lovely, lovely voice, and he's heavenly, just heavenly. A celestial combination of talents equals an irresistible, godly being..... Ahh, I'm exagerrating, but all of these attributes makes one want to be the subject of his love songs, or, more ambitiously, the object of his affection. Because - one should listen closer (or DL the lyrics) - he sounds like he's in love and not at all afraid to let the world know about it. Guys should do that more often - be more expressive, I mean. Anyway, this is the latest piece of music I've heard from the band, "Admiration". The lyrics, the voice, the music..... sigh. It's a musical gem. But! Feel free to differ. It's just a personal opinion. Just don't try convincing me to think otherwise. Hahahaha.
Could you move in slow motion?
Everything goes by so fast
Just slow down a little
Save the best part for last
You speak in riddles
Your intentions turn me on
I'm yours forever
Will you love me when I'm gone?
You're an unfenced fire
Over walls we travel
It's you I admire
My living example
Your eyes are an undiscovered ocean far away
Any minute now keeping
Both poets and priests at bay
Don't get ahead of me
Could we just this once see eye to eye?
What you offer has me
Ask me how it feels to vie
You're an unfenced fire
Over walls we travel
It's you I admire
My living example
It's a photograph discovered a decade after
It's a cannon blast disguised as a firecracker
It's enough to bring a brick wall to its knees
And sing, please
Could you move in slow motion?
Everything goes by so fast
Just slow down a little
Save the best part for last
You're an unfenced fire
Over walls we travel
It's you I admire
My living example
Why...
Why...
Why, why, why.....
Why is this man so enchanting! So talented, so gifted, so... he's so many things! If his lyrics aren't beautiful, his voice is enough so, that you'll like the song (and him!) - for a while, at the very least. This is entirely speaking on my behalf, but Brandon Boyd is perhaps the most talented musical artist out there. Beyond compare. He can draw, he composes, he plays one instrument at least, he has a lovely, lovely voice, and he's heavenly, just heavenly. A celestial combination of talents equals an irresistible, godly being..... Ahh, I'm exagerrating, but all of these attributes makes one want to be the subject of his love songs, or, more ambitiously, the object of his affection. Because - one should listen closer (or DL the lyrics) - he sounds like he's in love and not at all afraid to let the world know about it. Guys should do that more often - be more expressive, I mean. Anyway, this is the latest piece of music I've heard from the band, "Admiration". The lyrics, the voice, the music..... sigh. It's a musical gem. But! Feel free to differ. It's just a personal opinion. Just don't try convincing me to think otherwise. Hahahaha.
Sunday, July 16, 2006
usahay....ikaw ra na (reposted)
usahay maka ingon ka
sa kalibutan ga inusara
nga wala'y mabalaka
kung ma unsa ka na
ang maong pahalipay (sus kaluoy)
tingog ra intawon ni brandon boyd
nga hapit na mapagaw
sa sige mong paminaw
kay hain man ang mga tawo
anaa sa imong kinabuhi kuno
ga limod, dili makit-an
busa ikaw hilak nalang
grabe gyud ning kalipay
walay pagka kanunay
dili mahuptan sa pag hinay-hinay
dili makit-an sa pag baklay-baklay
hantod nalang usa ka adlaw
samtang sako ikaw
sa internet naglinamlam
naa kay nakaplagan
may nagpatimbaya
usa ka duol nga amiga
hay! makapahimuot gayod!
ang kalaay mo gi abog
sunod mag bantay-bantay
ayaw dayon pasubo kay
hinungdan sa pagmahay
usahay...ikaw ra man diay
sa kalibutan ga inusara
nga wala'y mabalaka
kung ma unsa ka na
ang maong pahalipay (sus kaluoy)
tingog ra intawon ni brandon boyd
nga hapit na mapagaw
sa sige mong paminaw
kay hain man ang mga tawo
anaa sa imong kinabuhi kuno
ga limod, dili makit-an
busa ikaw hilak nalang
grabe gyud ning kalipay
walay pagka kanunay
dili mahuptan sa pag hinay-hinay
dili makit-an sa pag baklay-baklay
hantod nalang usa ka adlaw
samtang sako ikaw
sa internet naglinamlam
naa kay nakaplagan
may nagpatimbaya
usa ka duol nga amiga
hay! makapahimuot gayod!
ang kalaay mo gi abog
sunod mag bantay-bantay
ayaw dayon pasubo kay
hinungdan sa pagmahay
usahay...ikaw ra man diay
Hats Down and Hands Ready for Clapping
If I had the slightest doubt about Roger Federer's being World No. 1, it's gone now.
I just read an interview with him on his loss to Rafael Nadal in the Monte Carlo Masters (clay), and it's not hard to see how single-minded he is about winning all his matches, most especially Grand Slam titles. And from that, you are almost correct to assume that he's the kind of athlete who knows that he's very good and is confident he can come back from a loss to his nemesis, beat him to a pulp, and never look back. He seems to only become smarter with every loss and gets to know his opponents with every shot and effort they put in. His mental framework is robotic. It's jaw-dropping, and you cannot help but respect but also dislike the man.
He has, ever since I've come to show interest in his tennis, impressed on me an arrogance that only comes from being self-opinioned. I'm almost certain he is cocky - but elegant, classy cocky. He really has class, in his playing style, in his bearing. Even his reactions to the happenings on court says classy. Nadal's yells and bicep-bunching tells of his youth; Baghdatis' are just extensions of his ever-cheerful disposition; Marat Safin's exude his quiet confidence; James Blake's hint of overconfidence; and those of the rest just say they're glad they got points (but I guess I'm being partial, so...).
Federer's most recent win over Nadal in Wimbledon only showed his determination to not only stay on top of everyone else, but also to reduce the possibilities of losing at all, slim as they already are, as I see it. And they are only at their widest with Nadal. Nadal can, in all certainty, beat Federer. Given a few improvements and more focus, his lefty play and his reservoir of sheer on-court brilliance, he can defeat all-too-perfect Federer. But I pin it to his youth or to that child-like quality that he seems to exude, why it would be more difficult for him. More difficult, because Federer is already hard to beat, as it is.
When he knows he'll be playing Nadal, he practices with a lefty coach. He implied in that Monte Carlo interview that he treats his matches with Nadal merely as venues for improving his game, to beat Nadal and the rest of them lined up behind him. He says the more he plays Nadal, the easier it becomes to defeat him. Or maybe, that's just how he wanted it to look, so as to make that loss less disappointing.
Either way, Federer is one hard-core competitor. Competitive to the max. But happily, Nadal is not so far behind in the ranking. Federer cannot sit as kingly as he would have liked. And I like that. I like the idea that someone makes Federer fidget, and tennis becomes more exciting as that happens. I would agree that there is at last, a true rivalry in Open-Era tennis. And I will try to follow the happenings as they come to see if Federer retains the throne, or if eventually, Nadal - or someone else, for that matter - finally dislodges him. And for how long. Whatever may happen, all my hats are already laid down and my hands are ready for clapping. Not since the World Cup has sports entertainment been so exciting. This is history in the making, and I will be watching when it unfolds.
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
proof of neurosis
First of all, I must be crazy to be putting this in here. It's exxxtreeeemely personal. But I don't know, I feel it such a waste to be sending it to oblivion. Maybe I'm vain. Maybe I want to be understood. To be misunderstood is a suffering...
So here goes. (Names removed to retain some semblance of privacy)
Mon 07/10/06
I am neurotic. This morning, I had an attack of extreme pessimism, if there's such a thing. It felt as if I was leading a pointless, disappointing and unfulfilled existence. It was as if I merely existed all this time just to feel insecure and depressed and unhappy in my life. My head was a mess, I couldn't come up with one rational thought. All I kept thinking about was that I was alone because my friends don't want me around, that I was inadequate, especially in comparison with this girl -and I thought I was over that. And even though he was there, I felt I was still by myself, because he may just be leading me on and will probably leave me one day, if not soon. He would be better without me, anyway. And he's got lots of friends and girls at his feet...he wouldn't miss a thing like me. I am alone and am meant to be alone.
That was how deep my unresolved confidence issues could go and how small I could make me feel. And I only found this out today. They've been there for most of my life, hovering in my subconscious, and resurfacing every now and then. When I stepped into college, i lost some of the intensity of these feelings. Confidence came with being able to have my way and getting to do things as I pleased. Yet some things were never done the right way still -or, what was the right way in my twisted and tainted opinion -that I never totally overcame insecurities. I really thought I was well on the way towards moving on from the issue with this girl, but it must have been all on a theoretical level. Last night was the first-ever venue for application, and with all certainty I failed on that first test. I guess I'll need a few more similar instances to really gauge where I am on the issue. (So technically, I'm still troubled, though not as much.)
I also realize that my insecurities are really that deep-seated and will take some years of work and an establishment of confidence in a trusted someone (i.e., finding a "best friend" -cliched and so true) to zap them. They're that embedded that they can tap into my emotions and make an instant mess out of me. During that pessimism attack, I actually seriously considered finding a real shrink to examine my head. Looking back on that, it's still not a bad -or crazy - idea. I do need to achieve a broader, fuller understanding of my mental framework, and a psychologist is the best professional bet to do that. It is also a step towards that coveted peace of mind.
I do have a better appreciation and acceptance of myself at present. I already have the power to say that things are what they are to me because this is simply who I am. This is how I see things and so this is how I do them. But there are still confusing moments when I question what I really want, or when I am still undecided about things. These moments are anxiety provocateurs, and I would like to stop feeling distressed. I want to be certain of who I am, of what I want. I am not yet worried about where I'm going with my life, but when I start to be, I'd like to have just that one complication and not be additionally burdened with identity and self-esteem issues. I'd like to be behind the wheel and completely in control for once. Not being steered around at the whim of my jumbled emotions.
So here goes. (Names removed to retain some semblance of privacy)
Mon 07/10/06
I am neurotic. This morning, I had an attack of extreme pessimism, if there's such a thing. It felt as if I was leading a pointless, disappointing and unfulfilled existence. It was as if I merely existed all this time just to feel insecure and depressed and unhappy in my life. My head was a mess, I couldn't come up with one rational thought. All I kept thinking about was that I was alone because my friends don't want me around, that I was inadequate, especially in comparison with this girl -and I thought I was over that. And even though he was there, I felt I was still by myself, because he may just be leading me on and will probably leave me one day, if not soon. He would be better without me, anyway. And he's got lots of friends and girls at his feet...he wouldn't miss a thing like me. I am alone and am meant to be alone.
That was how deep my unresolved confidence issues could go and how small I could make me feel. And I only found this out today. They've been there for most of my life, hovering in my subconscious, and resurfacing every now and then. When I stepped into college, i lost some of the intensity of these feelings. Confidence came with being able to have my way and getting to do things as I pleased. Yet some things were never done the right way still -or, what was the right way in my twisted and tainted opinion -that I never totally overcame insecurities. I really thought I was well on the way towards moving on from the issue with this girl, but it must have been all on a theoretical level. Last night was the first-ever venue for application, and with all certainty I failed on that first test. I guess I'll need a few more similar instances to really gauge where I am on the issue. (So technically, I'm still troubled, though not as much.)
I also realize that my insecurities are really that deep-seated and will take some years of work and an establishment of confidence in a trusted someone (i.e., finding a "best friend" -cliched and so true) to zap them. They're that embedded that they can tap into my emotions and make an instant mess out of me. During that pessimism attack, I actually seriously considered finding a real shrink to examine my head. Looking back on that, it's still not a bad -or crazy - idea. I do need to achieve a broader, fuller understanding of my mental framework, and a psychologist is the best professional bet to do that. It is also a step towards that coveted peace of mind.
I do have a better appreciation and acceptance of myself at present. I already have the power to say that things are what they are to me because this is simply who I am. This is how I see things and so this is how I do them. But there are still confusing moments when I question what I really want, or when I am still undecided about things. These moments are anxiety provocateurs, and I would like to stop feeling distressed. I want to be certain of who I am, of what I want. I am not yet worried about where I'm going with my life, but when I start to be, I'd like to have just that one complication and not be additionally burdened with identity and self-esteem issues. I'd like to be behind the wheel and completely in control for once. Not being steered around at the whim of my jumbled emotions.
Friday, July 7, 2006
The Idealism of Dreams and The Wet Blanket-ism of Reality
I've long dreamed of going to faraway, romantic places. No! Not you're preconceived notions of romantic. By romantic, I meant beautiful and filled with adventure and mysterious and such. I've dreamt of going to the wonderful place that is Europe. I am attracted to its history, culture and the sheer beauty of the places there. My dreams are really simple. I don't dream of wealth (though I may want to be economically comfortable, but the key to that is contentment), or fame, or of accomplishing something great. These are well beyond my personal capabilities and imagination. I cannot imagine how I can achieve them. I only ambition to go to spectacular places, on an adventurous journey, to have experiences that are far more fulfilling, heartwarming, and life-changing. Experiences that will not make me look at the world in the same way again...(Of course, these are conceived in my head presumptively to be the good kind of experiences. Bad ones can also be life-changing.) And I am of the opinion that Europe is where I'll find what I'm looking for. I am so idealistic and everything sounds all good....
And then reality sets in.
First of all, how will I get there? I will need lots and lots of cash. Money I've never even held, much more seen, in all my life. To get there, live there and back. If I plan to live there permanently, it takes much more. I'd have to work, get an immigrant visa, and all other prerequisites of modern-day immigration and G8-country living. I will have to work there to earn a living and sustain my pleasure-seeking or adventure-seeking. Everything I want will not be immediately acquired and achieved. By the time I will have enough I will have become old and world-weary and have lost my initial idealism and childish excitement. Reality is such a wet blanket, ain't it?
And there are the what ifs.
What if I was wrong about my notions about Europe? What if all its grandeur that were so vividly flashed on television --the very perpetrator of my wild ambition-- weren't as real as I thought them to be, or yet, already gone, consumed by modernization? What if I do get there, but end up disappointed --or worse, disappointed and unable to get out because I am under some work contract or something else that's similarly binding? Now wouldn't that be horrible, exactly the opposite of what I was seeking. Di ba? Awful, awful. Among other things that I could say about this, I'd say that even if life wasn't as forward and as comfortable before as it could be now, it was still nicer to live in the days of old. Dreams were much easier to realize that time ago, dreams like mine. Dreams like mine aren't for this era. They are best buried, set aside or sent back to a time when they were still feasible. Old dreams like what I have cannot survive in this modern world, where everything is practical than ideal, realistic than romantic. Modern days call for modern dreams. David Beckham lived his dream because it can be classified as a modern dream. To become a professional footballer, to play for what team he wants to play for, it is well within the boundaries of "modern". And good for him to have lived "the dream".
And maybe I should also quit reading Paulo Coelho. His books are also fuel for my imagination and for wanting to fly to Europe. I've learned to love la España, partly because of him --another reason to take the Euro trip.
Without my dreams, I have no other reason for going out of the country. What am I going to do here, then? Help clean up the environment? Demand to restore the rights and privileges that the government deprives the poor and the powerless of? Am I to ground myself on reality now? Do only what's realistic and practical? Am I to discourage the children that I may bear from dreaming because sometimes they don't come true or are just unreachable? To not reach your dream is sad. But to not dream or to stop others from dreaming is horrible. Living without dreams, it's like living in a grayscale world, after all its default color information was discarded. Drab and much more depressing than "squatters' areas" in full color.
So I decide to keep on dreaming. It may be foolish, people may call me foolish and always up in the clouds, but perhaps it's the only way to stay sane and happy, at least in part. Foundng yourself in reality will eventually strip you of your humanity. You might become successful, reach the pinnacles of fame, or stand on top your mountain of gold in doing that, but these are not guarantees of happiness and of a fulfilled life. I do seek happiness and fulfillment, and I cannot see myself finding them in these modern and worldly accomplishments. And perhaps I can always work slowly towards reaching my dreams. I may not be able to get myself there, but I might come close. Perhaps to Palawan? Close enough. One of the most pristine and most beautiful beaches in the Philippines will do. Perhaps I can take up Nursing and get the hell outta here. Hahaha! Not! Or maybe not, that is. I don't know. I might relent to the pressure my family is putting on me to take that damn course. But yes, I will continue to dream and keep my idealism alive. Idealism is a refuge when you get weary of this world, a solace in the midst of the mundane, the motivation to stay above mediocrity. It is what brings us closer to perfection. It is a drive to stay alive, keep on living purposefully. It is Paulo Coelho who said that every man's purpose --the only purpose --in this world, is to fulfill one's Personal Legend, that which you want most in life. I'm sorry, Mr. Coelho, for even thinking of getting rid of you from my life. I will need your wisdom every now and then.
And then reality sets in.
First of all, how will I get there? I will need lots and lots of cash. Money I've never even held, much more seen, in all my life. To get there, live there and back. If I plan to live there permanently, it takes much more. I'd have to work, get an immigrant visa, and all other prerequisites of modern-day immigration and G8-country living. I will have to work there to earn a living and sustain my pleasure-seeking or adventure-seeking. Everything I want will not be immediately acquired and achieved. By the time I will have enough I will have become old and world-weary and have lost my initial idealism and childish excitement. Reality is such a wet blanket, ain't it?
And there are the what ifs.
What if I was wrong about my notions about Europe? What if all its grandeur that were so vividly flashed on television --the very perpetrator of my wild ambition-- weren't as real as I thought them to be, or yet, already gone, consumed by modernization? What if I do get there, but end up disappointed --or worse, disappointed and unable to get out because I am under some work contract or something else that's similarly binding? Now wouldn't that be horrible, exactly the opposite of what I was seeking. Di ba? Awful, awful. Among other things that I could say about this, I'd say that even if life wasn't as forward and as comfortable before as it could be now, it was still nicer to live in the days of old. Dreams were much easier to realize that time ago, dreams like mine. Dreams like mine aren't for this era. They are best buried, set aside or sent back to a time when they were still feasible. Old dreams like what I have cannot survive in this modern world, where everything is practical than ideal, realistic than romantic. Modern days call for modern dreams. David Beckham lived his dream because it can be classified as a modern dream. To become a professional footballer, to play for what team he wants to play for, it is well within the boundaries of "modern". And good for him to have lived "the dream".
And maybe I should also quit reading Paulo Coelho. His books are also fuel for my imagination and for wanting to fly to Europe. I've learned to love la España, partly because of him --another reason to take the Euro trip.
Without my dreams, I have no other reason for going out of the country. What am I going to do here, then? Help clean up the environment? Demand to restore the rights and privileges that the government deprives the poor and the powerless of? Am I to ground myself on reality now? Do only what's realistic and practical? Am I to discourage the children that I may bear from dreaming because sometimes they don't come true or are just unreachable? To not reach your dream is sad. But to not dream or to stop others from dreaming is horrible. Living without dreams, it's like living in a grayscale world, after all its default color information was discarded. Drab and much more depressing than "squatters' areas" in full color.
So I decide to keep on dreaming. It may be foolish, people may call me foolish and always up in the clouds, but perhaps it's the only way to stay sane and happy, at least in part. Foundng yourself in reality will eventually strip you of your humanity. You might become successful, reach the pinnacles of fame, or stand on top your mountain of gold in doing that, but these are not guarantees of happiness and of a fulfilled life. I do seek happiness and fulfillment, and I cannot see myself finding them in these modern and worldly accomplishments. And perhaps I can always work slowly towards reaching my dreams. I may not be able to get myself there, but I might come close. Perhaps to Palawan? Close enough. One of the most pristine and most beautiful beaches in the Philippines will do. Perhaps I can take up Nursing and get the hell outta here. Hahaha! Not! Or maybe not, that is. I don't know. I might relent to the pressure my family is putting on me to take that damn course. But yes, I will continue to dream and keep my idealism alive. Idealism is a refuge when you get weary of this world, a solace in the midst of the mundane, the motivation to stay above mediocrity. It is what brings us closer to perfection. It is a drive to stay alive, keep on living purposefully. It is Paulo Coelho who said that every man's purpose --the only purpose --in this world, is to fulfill one's Personal Legend, that which you want most in life. I'm sorry, Mr. Coelho, for even thinking of getting rid of you from my life. I will need your wisdom every now and then.
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