they were sort of accumulating on my hard disk, so...

i now instead find myself following the golden pavement, hoping to find my wizard.
he keeps the light to the many things i now grope for in shadow.

he is intelligent and deep.
he is so grounded, salt of the earth.
there is no one like him...

compared to me...i float...
...immiscible with the matrix -and life.
and i cannot change my properties into something im not.
i can try, but...

i am uncertain where this all leads me to.
probably nowhere, and nothing waiting at the end.
and so i am scared to go on...
what awaits (if there is) wears darkness for a cloak.
no, not really scared... just apprehensive, maybe.
i dont want hurt... to inflict it....or to be at the receiving end.
but i also cannot keep myself. the enticement proves too much for this humble heart to ignore.

mystery is such a compelling thing.

i hope it shant go away. life without it proves too ordinary.
cruel of me to propel my personal enjoyment through feelings.
cruel... and selfish.



somebody bump me in the head.


*ow!*


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it would not be the end of the world, but you feel like you would find it hard to be genuinely happy another time, whatever you do. you're just in the pit of your stomach, not trapped, but not wanting to get out of the acid bath. you just let it pour over you, and over, and over....

[deep siiiiggghhhhh....]

what i have with him, its very frail, but its real. the frustration of not bridging the gap is overwhelming, almost debilitating. mentally, physically. so close, but still a whole world away....
im crazy. this is crazy. one of these days, i will come around. come to my senses and end this, this inanity!but not just now...
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[date forgotten]

euro 04 game on tv.
but im cool.
brandon boyd keeping me company..
aqueous transmission...ahh. so relaxing.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[date forgotten]


another thing. you can't share and fully appreciate if you breed anger in your heart. anger makes you selfish and inconsiderate.



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09.15.04

i read "black and white" -again. very profound. profound and philosophical. i admire him even more. he is minimalist in his expressions, but whenever he does, you cant help but be awed. and when i look at my own integrity, i shame myself when put beside him. but i think i may not be too unfortunate. cause i recognized genius when held in front of my face, as well as my own lack...

black and white thinking reminds me of momon. because he always had to let me choose between two seemingly opposite choices, like they were the only choices that i could have. and he thought that they were. and i didn't.

is yes always the opposite of no? is no always opposite of yes? arent we allowed to answer a maybe or an i dont know? if you do answer like that, wala kuno kay klaro nga tao. maybe i am. but that does not make me any lesser than anyone else. im different. that is all. i would have liked to blend in. i would have. instead, i go and look for others like me. are there others like me?

cause i want to be free from this way of thinking. to free my mind.

i want to be enlightened. to be free. how?
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[date forgotten]


how come people know what to do with their life?
how come i don't?
a friend said [before my memory betrays me, it was oding who told me] that that was actually good.
you are free to determine your choices and your path.
but probably more importantly, you are FREE.
yeah. it IS great to be free...but it could also be so overwhelming.
overwhelming, for one who doesn't know what to become, where to go, even what to do.



Will I ever get to where I'm going?
If I do, will I know when I am there?
If the wind blew me in the right direction, yeah
Would I even care?
I would...



It seems as though I'm going nowhere...fast
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[date 4gotten]


i think...he likes a girl...someone else.
i think her name might be...katrina.
it's not a crush. it's a developing & deepening attraction.
and the idea....hurts.

--not that i have any right.





it's sad. you've found what you've been looking for, only to discover he wasn't for you.


if you really care, why can't you be with me?





just leave me wallowing in messy emotions. just leave me alone. i'll live.
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10.26.04

infatuated with a guy i barely know! stupid. impulsive. hopeless.

it's almost addictive... infatuating.

he's an artist.

[i refrain from mentioning his name. i do want the world to know; i want to say it at the top of my lungsy lungs but im scared.....]

did you know how good he is with his hands? he nurtures his gift well -very well.
traditional, digital, mental...in all those ways, he's an artist.
great. superlative. unparalleled.
he's not a writer, but when he writes, it's vividly so.
the words are so tangible, they pierce through you.
and they're how i fell for him.

stupid? honestly, im not sure.

and here's where it gets hazy: nothing after the usual introductions and few, few (too few) times that our paths met. and they weren't really major. they were actually premeditated.
scheming fool.
i dont know who he is, how he is, what he is. i dont know if i'll ever know.

...and this's where it transitions into hopelessness.

i dont know if i'll ever get to find him in this life. there are some things that are just [better] out of your hands.

so i decide to watch from a distance... i can't turn away, but i also have to be real.
some things you can't force... some things you have to let run its course...
some things you leave to destiny to work out.

it's a long wait. i'm not even sure about how things turn out, if it's favorable to me or not.
it may even be over before i know it. i just may lose these feelings in time. in time...

for now, i just watch... watch and try to not touch. try not to involve myself. try to understand how things fit and see where i could belong...

in the meantime, i try to cope. with the hopelessness, with the turmoil inside my chest...
cope with all these and the wonder i continually experience with the idea of him... (just the idea of him alone could already do things to me.)

and everything will take on an added meaning.
every task is done a little better for him.
every song heartily sung is for him, because of him.
every time out in the city is tinged with an eagerness to see him around the corner, at the movies,
at an internet cafe, in school...

everything will have purpose.

the hope that the universe somehow conspires to make our paths cross and intertwine springs low, but eternal...



(you do that to me.)

hahay...

how do you discover the rhythm of life? things would be so much easier when you know the flow...and im so out of it.

lost/unhappy

and so i finally got over the major mess that was my 1st semester of my 4th and supposedly graduation year. and yes, as should have been clear months back, i will not be graduating. i totally f*cked up. to say the least. im supposed to be happy about it, 'cause i finally got what i wanted. i wanted to extend my stay in school --for some reasons i have the future to enumerate. so what's bugging me? aside from this shitty feeling that comes with colds and sore throat? i don't know how to break it to my family. i'm sure they'll experience hypertension if they haven't had. well, in the case of my dad, i hope he holds it down just in time (scary). yeah, how would my dad react to my premeditated failure to meet their expectations? i mean, i've been faring the least badly among his daughters all these years. what can i say? things don't always come out like you planned them. if it has for him, not this time then.

there's also this feeling that you call guilt. eating me inside. i mean, i'm wasting my family's resources, aren't i? i am sorry to have done that. so to compensate, i plant to get a job. to help ease things. i'm grown up right? so i have this sense of responsibility now. and i don't plan to be a deadweight on their shoulders. i'll lighten their load. i don't want to be no deadweight. independence is my forte.

what else...

oh yes. there's this situation at the pub that's coming. it's gonna make campus press management a bit harder. i dont care to elaborate right now. my head's all a mess, too. you get the idea.

hahay... but i'm still unhappy.