hallowed hollow

Just one of the sights when you are in Tuscany, Italy (probably not on the tourist circuit). To be able to be here and see it for myself gives me goosebumps.

do you know how it feels like

to want something with all your heart, seeing it in pictures, and you can't stand the thought of seeing them all through another person's camera shots and not through your own experience, that you just have to close that window and try to ease the pressure in your chest and the mercury of your emotions, to want something you don't know if you'll ever get, with all the road blocks that you have to clear from your way in order to finally be there and breathe the air no matter how cold and snuggle into a really nice trenchcoat and look good and belong in the scene overall, to finally be there after everything and everything actually goes well....ahhh, wouldn't it be loverly.

(Pre)occupations

Dimpling the doldrums.
Dropping off at the daydream-
ing office. Rummaging through the memory closet. Sweeping mental cobwebs. Exercising written imagination. Hoping for distant
sunsets and trench-coat weather. Wanting impossibilities
and
other
difficult
illusions.

an idyll to do again

sit back, kick your slippers off, have a huge helping of beach and sunset horizon over a cupful of thoughts...

the onset of spoilage (scrapheap of spoiled serenity)

after a while, you start to steer your mind toward those days when it was fun, when you believed there was nothing to worry about. when your best weapon was your state of mind. when you were free.

after a while of this, you do. inevitably.

cramped

there are so many hang-ups in my life, i've found. i can be more liberated in my thinking, and yet i am stuck with describing the surface, because i am unable to pierce through what's beyond. i do not even know what is beyond, i just know i can perceive more when i'm there. for now, i can only read my thoughts and what i am in some other person's words. i long for that time when i can read my thoughts, my very existence in my own words. or is that forever an impossible, blind thing? brandon boyd, alanis morissette, where do they find their words? i think it is only through going beyond the boundaries of what you know, venturing into the uncharted, though not so uncharted, for others would have gone before. i long to be the one who puts things on the map, and be ahead of the entire human pack for once. i want to grow wide and deep and well-watered. how, how, how.....

Butterflies and Kites

(words inspired by the Tori Amos song)


I wouldn't have held on to the tail of your kite had you not led me to believe I could. I wouldn't have, and I would not again. It is never an intention of mine to hold you back or tie you down. Perhaps it needs your understanding that the situation you placed yourself in makes that inevitable. It has become logical to me to say that to pursue love would be to let go of a good many things. But I guess that sort of statement is not easily comprehensible to you who feel the urge of flight and freedom, tainted by the views of the world as it is. You are not getting blamed for that, as I am doing no such thing. It is only lamentable that for such a person who can think outside the box, you are so much in one. (I am sure I am inside several of boxes myself, none of which are relevant at the moment. I am only pointing to that which concerns this mutuality). Lamentable still, that it is a box which divides our views irreconcilably. For something that has endured over years, there is a substantial lot left unsaid, unexplored, and undiscussed. Surprising though how it could endure when it started and kept starting on the wrong foot. But something founded on the wrong things will always be wrong. But stay and fight and try to straighten it out. That's a guarantee only of a rough road, and I'm sure flight is more compelling. There is an exhilaration to it, an almost boundless freedom. No, regrettably, I cannot hold the string while you fly your kite. I am a butterfly who flies on her own wings to pursue her own compulsions and ambitions. Lose your string and gain your wings. My freedom was not meant to buy you yours.

You must also see, we are right now creatures of flight. To pursue our path will eventually lead to staying aground. It may seem untimely to shed my wings when I've only just gained them. So will you get your tail pulled from behind you should you proceed in such similar fashion as you do now. We, all of us, feel that urge to be cared for and be paid attention to by someone, when everyone else has their concentrations on some other thing or person. But don't you think it rather selfish of us? To only want a someone for their exclusive attention on us when the world is ignoring us, and then when we have all eyes back on us again, we have them totally out of mind. For what do you propose is the reason for seeking such personal connection as this? Are you having marriage in mind? What more do you need to learn of a person after all those years to not be thinking of marrying? Yes, maybe I have changed my point of view, which in all honesty, I feel many times better having done so. I feel purer, less tainted, though I am nothing holy. Scoffing and mocking will lead you nowhere, tightening only my resolve. I propose that it is not the means you use to persuade me from this, if you do intend such a thing.

This is not to say I feel nothing or care any less. This is a consideration for practicality and an evaluation for direction. Where is it going? Where do you intend should this go? I do not desire to go with the wind, or with the moment. I intend to have a purpose there in your life, beyond than what meets your needs at this time. Well, that is one expectation this has brought about. And there are and will be many more. So think. I have places to go; my heart is almost ready for the unknown, to take on adventure. I don't think you'd want to move away from where you are now. I won't pull your tail again. I won't push you, the acrobat, seeing as you don't have a net. So tell me if you want to fly your kite. I am not in charge of the string, hand it to someone else. I am a butterfly, I did say. You can keep having someone hold the string for you, or you can join me on your own wings. Only then will I acquiesce to let the wind blow me. Until then, maybe you might finally metamorphose. Maybe. In the meantime, I am almost there. Join me or we'll see each other again one day. I do believe in destiny, after all. Don't you?

Birthday Post

Maybe one's birthday is indeed one's (special) day. For one day, you get to have some attention (if you're not at all the center of attention). For one day, you get to feel how special you are to others, or at the very least (which is not at all less), to your Maker who made you happen. Not only are you special because you are alive , you get to feel special as well, at least once a year.


This must be vague. I can't quite find the words to perfectly describe the wonderful set-up God has created around each one's creation, birth, and birthdays. I'll get back on this when I get it right.

An Invitation To Come

Come. Stray, wander. Cultivate pleasant fountains where you find them. Linger where you will, there is no hurry in this endeavor. Stray ever south, for more pleasantries lie in impatient waiting. Don't hesitate at the door; come right in, for you are awaited. You have been invited for something warmer than tea, to soar on a rush more intense than caffeine. Once joined at the hip, hesitant of parting, let's pursue the elusive excitement of touching every star. And when we've wearied, let's rest a bit and regain the vigor we would need, before long. But as I stir early and head for the southerly pole, the ride begins anew.

A Woman

I am a woman. You cannot expect me to be like you. I am a woman, with a brain and a heart. You cannot sever either one from my being. I can think for myself, and I feel even more. I am a woman, in touch with my emotion; do not presume I can be so cerebral and invariably logical. I am emotional, even if I do not seem so. I am a woman. I feel the need to be beautiful and feminine, sensual and romantic, the essence of what I am. No matter what I may do or say or appear to be, I go back to my fundamental core, a woman. I am a woman, unique, with my own senses and perceptions. Do not dictate on me what I am supposed to become and just let me be...a woman. I am a woman. I am strong. No matter if you say you are stronger. I am a woman, made to be me, not made to be made into what someone else would want me to be. I give of myself because it is what I want or feel, not because it is what you want. Love me for me, what I am - a woman.

Because the Night Belongs to Lovers

A love stronger than death... Gothic and eerie, almost supernatural... or even already that...

The moon is an unearthly glow of a hundred stars...I'm playing that song...It seems to come from a distance...I am somewhere else, on another night like this...The notes echo in that gaping emptiness where you used to be ...Could you hear me where you are, I wonder...Can you still the wrenching inside me...It feels like you're here somehow...I'll keep playing for a while...

My love...I am here...Our love is an endless song in my lonely, forgetful hereafter...Bringing me back from the dark folds of moon shadow...to remembering...to you...Feel me beside you, ethereal but aching...Play the melodies that beckon me to life...On this silver night, we are one...

Feeling (v.)

if this seems irrational, it's not, just non-rational. the brain cannot process that sort of things.




you would think that life was perfect because you have it all...or almost all of it that you want in your life. a guy, a job, graduation, euro trip...or whatever it is that you have and think you love right now...


are those really touching movies realistic? are they common occurrences in the world? surely they didn't mean for us to despair?

think spirited away. there wasn't even a kiss that was shared but the emotions were so infectious that there's no question it was... l'amour...

or those korean movies and TV series. one thing about them is that they know how it should be.. walking the talk, or even no talk at all. a flutter of the heart here, a rush of anger there...and there's heaven. and the best part is, they didn't even have to shed anything. and the guys get angry and affected! i like that. i think i have a peeve about guys that think emotions are for women. when you love, i don't think you could be anything else but jelly. there is dignity in love, contrary to their ideas.

i want... to be swept away, to go through a rollercoaster ride - of emotions, of happenings, of the senses. i want to feel. to experience everything through my senses. i'm tired of the thinking brain. i feel like i will only be needing that area to interpret my emotions into words so i can write them down.

better yet, pictures. snapshots remind you better of sensations. snapshots of what i did, where i went, who i was with. they let you remember better, communicate faster. words tend to delay the transmission to the core of emotions.

yes, because i really want to feel. i feel i've stopped feeling with too much thinking. i've been rationalizing and i want to stop.

if i am with someone, i don't want to think. i want to just feel my way through the time we spend together. guard down, cards on the table. just feel... and it won't work if he just keeps thoughts. no thoughts. just sensations.

i may never be good at exchanging wits. okay, okay. i'm as slow as i may as well be. but i actually feel i'm better off feeling.

this city is dull, overflowing with westernization and americanism, like skin without exfoliation. i want to go someplace and be shocked back to feeling and living. japan. or the european country - the lands of my idealized dreams. no, no america. someplace where ideals are not scoffed at but held in esteem, someplace untouched or barely tainted by business, money, and worldliness. someplace, where i would like to spend my life in because i like it there.

i have no japanese animations to evoke these sentiments in the midst of my dreary existence. i can only aspire and dream, waiting to see if the universe has meant for me to have this, this small ambition to be free from the wearying sophistication of the times, and just live simply to feel...to pursue beauty. to live to pursue beauty...wouldn't that be lovely.

God is in the beautiful things... that Paulo Coelho is really clever.