Feeling (v.)

if this seems irrational, it's not, just non-rational. the brain cannot process that sort of things.




you would think that life was perfect because you have it all...or almost all of it that you want in your life. a guy, a job, graduation, euro trip...or whatever it is that you have and think you love right now...


are those really touching movies realistic? are they common occurrences in the world? surely they didn't mean for us to despair?

think spirited away. there wasn't even a kiss that was shared but the emotions were so infectious that there's no question it was... l'amour...

or those korean movies and TV series. one thing about them is that they know how it should be.. walking the talk, or even no talk at all. a flutter of the heart here, a rush of anger there...and there's heaven. and the best part is, they didn't even have to shed anything. and the guys get angry and affected! i like that. i think i have a peeve about guys that think emotions are for women. when you love, i don't think you could be anything else but jelly. there is dignity in love, contrary to their ideas.

i want... to be swept away, to go through a rollercoaster ride - of emotions, of happenings, of the senses. i want to feel. to experience everything through my senses. i'm tired of the thinking brain. i feel like i will only be needing that area to interpret my emotions into words so i can write them down.

better yet, pictures. snapshots remind you better of sensations. snapshots of what i did, where i went, who i was with. they let you remember better, communicate faster. words tend to delay the transmission to the core of emotions.

yes, because i really want to feel. i feel i've stopped feeling with too much thinking. i've been rationalizing and i want to stop.

if i am with someone, i don't want to think. i want to just feel my way through the time we spend together. guard down, cards on the table. just feel... and it won't work if he just keeps thoughts. no thoughts. just sensations.

i may never be good at exchanging wits. okay, okay. i'm as slow as i may as well be. but i actually feel i'm better off feeling.

this city is dull, overflowing with westernization and americanism, like skin without exfoliation. i want to go someplace and be shocked back to feeling and living. japan. or the european country - the lands of my idealized dreams. no, no america. someplace where ideals are not scoffed at but held in esteem, someplace untouched or barely tainted by business, money, and worldliness. someplace, where i would like to spend my life in because i like it there.

i have no japanese animations to evoke these sentiments in the midst of my dreary existence. i can only aspire and dream, waiting to see if the universe has meant for me to have this, this small ambition to be free from the wearying sophistication of the times, and just live simply to feel...to pursue beauty. to live to pursue beauty...wouldn't that be lovely.

God is in the beautiful things... that Paulo Coelho is really clever.