a profound moment in my autism

when i view my friends' pages (friendster, what else?),
i can't help but think about being soooo, waaaay behind in a
lot of things. i'm this close to being envious of people i know
who've had the greatest privilege of being immersed in a hub
of information and intellectual stimulation. they know where
to go, what to find, where to consult, WHAT or WHO to consult.
i'm especially talking about UP. UP, in my belief (i'd be mightily
glad if someone proves this is but an irrational state of mind.
better yet, if i can go there myself), is the heart of it all, the pod
of everything you know you'd appreciate knowing. and in case
how i'm feeling is still vague to you, i'm bordering on tearing
my hair out with this feeling of colossal helplessness.
yes, everything is described with "big" today. that's how i'm
particularly feeling. why else would someone feel like bursting
if she can contain it all?

it's just that i want to know everything. EVERYTHING. is that
too much to ask? to look at the world and understand and fathom
what may be abstract and incomprehensible to everyone else,
wouldn't that be something?

a lot of things keep me from doing so. my priorities, for one.
being immersed in them takes off my focus from the big picture
that i would have liked to create for myself, from the accomplishments
that i would like to have under my belt.

then there's laziness and those inhibiting feelings of desperation
-if not depression. i considerably weaken in my determination
to do something when my feelings are in disarray. doesn't anyone's?
of course, you can't possibly be limited in your movements if you're
loaded to the rim. money makes a great many things within one's
reach. if you don't have the dough, well, too bad.

and did you know, the opportunity was in my hands. in these hands
that now document words of regret did hold the key to completely
different and many times broader horizons. but i was too naive
and young then to see my loss. i let it go. and now, it's 4 years too
late.

yes, one would philosophize that even if one door closes, a lot of
windows may be gaping open. and i guess, it is my fault in a way
that i'm behind. the diligence and initiative to pursue the things
that i would like to master rested on me, still rests on me. maybe
i never put that diligence and initiative to much good use. and
so here i am, drenched in my misery.

looking at my life now, i find i still have the years ahead of me
to pursue these things, granting God grants me a long enough life.
however, with the way things stand, nothing is quite that simple.
there are a lot of aspects and dimensions to consider. and once more,
the possibility of losing sight of my tall aspirations hovers ever so
tangibly. in the end, what my life becomes and where it ultimately
heads rests on the decision on which to give ultimate priority in
shaping my life. and again, that decision rests on me.

insomniac

as they drift to sleep,
I rise from the holds of slumber...
their lights switch off;
my midnight candle starts to burn.
while in the day I'm lifeless,
during the night, I endure indefinitely.
my strength prolongs with ripening eventide
surpassing the day walkers.
their consciousness wanes but waxes mine,
in perfectly timed alternation,
as I remain to do my share of contemplation
--life's bestsellers.
mentally unique...
I thrive under a canopy of stars.


i wrote this poem sometime back last year, while i was in marikina.
it is a tribute to my nightly habit that i don't think i'll ever get to
shake myself of. i found it gathering virtual dust in my deviantart account.
hehe..... it's not a very good piece. but that's okay.

depressed.







there's supposed to be a lot more stuff between the first line and this, but....
it gets rather scary in this part of my brain, where i get psychological bout me.



so there's just a big gaping space instead to censor the easily creeped out. hehehe.


but this i will say: i don't even feel anything like a million sentimos right now.......
and so, a million-dollar-baby feeling is an illusion in this twisted, confusing current state of mind.