I began relenting

the moment I saw him drilling holes into my wall, all serious and undeniably strong, holes that turned out unacceptable, what with the way the curtains now sag a few inches longer onto the floor. I’ve seen him and smelled him better than today, but his hair made me give up my modest resolutions of old and discard them with the oversize shirt and everything else that I hid under. I probably have a weakness for hair and it’s not the first one that has had me at one whiff.

The really warm water made me feel a bit embarrassed, more than what went on under it – something I’ve never done and enjoyed. It was the better of what limited experience I’ve had, definitely. They tolerated everything, missing nothing, and inspired the knots of excitement and anticipation working inside me in places. My inhibitions have all been fleeing my body, exorcised by strong knowing hands, and only now in this unnerving silence have I begun to think if my neighbors could hear anything even without windows that might be megaphones.

Everything is a mess – including me. It’s warm and sticky in my room now but if he were here I would not mind or be able to mind. The floor is splotched dark and icky in places, because no one has lived here before I did and also from the mess he made when he did it to himself standing a few nights ago. I am hungry now but I am thinking too much of the possibility that my phone rings or that I need a bath. This morning was not what I had pictured it to be, turning me monstrously hungry for something I don’t think I’ll be able to fully enjoy or own – all this amidst the sweat and the dust and the heat those damned curtains cost to put up. I have ended up wanting him and so badly do I want him shifting things around and me back at him.